i mean, if i'm bad at sth, its actually a good thing for me to give up doing it, so that i can MOVE ON to other things, hopefully along the way i find sth i'm really good at.
the fortunate ones just hit the right thing earlier right?
[& if u believe in evolution in psych, we probably evolved learned helplessness for a reason...]
...
dont know if im really better off doing music and arty stuff but then if i dont try i'll nv know, never move on to other stuff... (and then there's the thing abt loving what you're doing... even if i'm average, but i enjoy it... what's so bad?)
if i could, i'd spend my life .... *continues thinking* (no time to bloggg hahah)
zzzzz i want to quit school i am so bored i got no motivation to study at alllllllll.
...
ITS THAT STUPID STORYTELLING MODULE I TELL YOU.
ARGH. bane of my LIFE.
i never took such a HARD module before.
DIE. DIE DIE DIE. IKILLYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
:((((
my world would be so much of a better place without that f*ing mod.
AND ALL ITS F*ING 8AM DEADLINES WHICH ARE MAKING ME NOT ABLE TO SLEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
AND ALL ITS CRAZY-ZAI PPL WHO MAKE MY GRADES AVERAGE, WITH A STANDARD DEVIATION OF ABOUT 0.1??!!?!??!
actually i duno wat im talking about.
AIYA DUN WANA STUDY ALR. social cog is fun but i really duno anything at alll.... and i have no motivation to go find out....
haish. uni jus doesnt motivate me to mug.
what used to motivate me, i wonder.
i loved bio cuz i did so effortlessly well in it.
everything was so straight forward back in jc. ten year series, fixed notes, uni is like shitttte.....
its like an endless possible flow of information with insanely smart people ..........
goshhhhhhh. i just want to live my life doing what i wanna do :(
i wish i could just take 1 or 2 modules a sem.
do what i want the rest of the time.
sighhhhhhhh. life sucks.........
i wonder if i can do that now. after all my max candidature is 4 yrs for a 3 yr course... if for the next 3 sems i only took like 3 mods... & i went out and did some freelance work... or something... will i earn enough money to cover my uni expenses?
he never fails to show me sth abt god and make me feel "god is real".
...
god is always breaking the rules.
to do something for someone. jesus was never religious.
...
a kid asked zj (cuz ps was preaching on making god e centre of yr life, instead of making him something u 'use' to get something else eg. gd grades), "how do i make god the centre of my studies, when i'm doing that so that i can do better in my studies?" sth to tt extent. e kid said some really profound stuff hurhur.
fr the fun of it zj went to ask the kid's cgl who was passing by (and they gave the usual regurgitation kinda answer.) then the kid was like "walao might as well dont say"
anyw zj said.
how do u 'make' someone the centre of yr life? if u have a really cute, awesome bf who also is in love with you, yr thoughts will pretty much centre around him right. what diff does it make to yr studies? i was like 'if i need help i'll call him' haha.
same with god.
(then i thought to myself...if i had a bf tt was like that i wont be studying so hard alr HAHA. i mean. hello i got some1 to take care of me why be so stressed! then zj mentioned sth abt doing stuff 'for his glory'. that's food for thought too.)
anyway, i just love zj's revelations about how with god it is always about the relationship, (in his own words, not even e relationship, but about Jesus himself.)....
it is so different from the main thoughts of ... what do u call that.
And yeah even today's sermon which was supposedly abt wisdom. essentially pastor concluded his series on wisdom with ONE thing, if u catch it- wisdom is not wat u seek, but jesus is, and when u find him, wisdom comes naturally or sth...
its only about ONE thing. looking for jesus :D
actually btw, i realised zj is not the only 'deviant'...
i realised ps pri nce himself was also quite a deviant HAHA. i mean look, right now his thoughts are considered mainstream, but look at him, there where he was reading books on church growth and they were telling him all the steps, to preach on contemporary issues, to preach series, yada. and he decided he was so sick of it and went to read the bible where he found jesus instead, and god asked him, will u preach that?
he seriously believed that if he did the church will shrink LOL. but he went ahead anyway.
ps p rince is a deviant himself omGADD.
OMGADD. ps prin ce is my friend.
there are alot of unreal ppl in church.
(oh charles if u read this, zj said yr a gd guy to be with... and me and jofid were like O_o! HAHA. he said cuz yr not flaky ;) hehehh. U SHD GO TALK TO HIM.)
anyway where was i.
i was talking abt jesus breaking rules.
zj raised so many examples but i cant rmb. i only rmb the one where this guy went to raise someone from the dead, it was considered unclean to go and touch a dead body in that 'religion', but the dead guy was raised anyway..
got some more but I CANT RMB lol cuz this was e only 1 i was like eh?
sth abt david eating the religious showbread by bluffing that he was a priest and etc. hahaha. so funny lah.
:)
god just wants to be with u.
then i complained to zj that why is everyone like that.
and the thing he said stunned me too.
he said, but even when people are doing all these "steps" to get blessings, god still blesses them because he just wants to. (i am still so judgemental. and god's grace is so big.)
awesome huh!
that's the kind of god i used to know! someone who broke rules for you :) someone who's so ... free omg.
but then if what you're seeking is a real rship with god, all these steps just wouldnt cut it for u.
yay deviations ftw, dont be afraid to think not like the mainstream, its btwn you and god!
and sth from zj's blog: the bible is a collection of stories of people's friendships with god. if u realise wat tt means- no 2 stories are the same. god does diff things for diff ppl :)
he's a personal god.
and zj is awesome! wtfreak, god if zj talks to me everyday, i'll never drift away from u luh. LOL.
and it doesnt even take long... i've known 5 min conversations which had me glowing with happiness for the next few days by just 1 statement.
today's conversation lasted all but the length of a taxi ride.
:)
like the stories of people in the bible.. your life. zj isnt jus abt e things he says. its abt what he believes.
and those beliefs, impact me. i want to believe them too. zj shd talk to me more *cough* GOD U HEAR ME. LOL. talk AT me. whatever. jus talk. HAHA.
yeah deviant :b
but god was nv about a fixed set of formulas and outcomes anyway :p
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing, Watch you smile while you are sleeping, While you're far away and dreaming, I could spend my life in this sweet surrender, I could stay lost in this moment forever, When every moment spent with you is a moment i treasure,
I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep, Cause I miss you babe, And I don't wanna miss a thing, Cause even when I dream of you, The sweetest dream would never do, I'll still miss you babe, And I don't wanna miss a thing.
Lying close to you, feeling your heart beating, And I'm wondering what you're dreaming, Wondering if it's me you're seeing, And then I kiss your eyes, And thank God we're together, I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever, Forever and ever.
And I don't wanna miss one smile, I don't wanna miss one kiss, I just wanna be with you, Right here with you, just like this, Well I just wanna hold you close, And feel your heart so close to mine, And just stay here in this moment, For all the rest of time
[my altered lyrics :)] jesus: It seems like yesterday when I said I do And after all this time my heart still burns for you If you don't know by now that you're my only one Then take a look inside me and watch my heart strings come undone
I know I promised you forever Is there no stronger word I can use? To reassure you when the storm is raging outside I'm your safest place to hide
person: Can you see me here I am (here I am) I need you like I needed you then When I feel like giving up I climb inside your heart and still find (you're my) You're my safest place to hide
You see colors no one else can see In every breath you hear a symphony You understand me like nobody can I feel my soul unfolding like a flower blooming
When this whole world gets too crazy, yeah And there’s nowhere left to run I know you give me sanctuary You’re the only truth I know, you’re the road back home
"jesus:" Can you see me? Here I am Standing here, where I’ve always been (I've always been) And when words are not enough You climb inside my heart and still find (person harmonise: I climb inside your heart and still find) I'm your safest place to hide (person harmonise: You’re my safest place to hide)
My safest place to hide
I know I promised you forever There’s no stronger word I can use To reassure you when the storm is raging outside... I'm your safest place to hide (person: You’re my safest place to hide)
Oh
Can you see me? (see me) Here I am (here I am) Standing here, where I’ve always been (I've always been) When u feel like giving up (up) u climb inside my heart and still find (yeah, yeah) i'm your safest place to hide (person: you're my safest place to hide)
its not that i dont have nice stuff to blog about... *rarh*
its just that i kind of have no time?! so i'm only here if i need to rant, othrwise (i FEEL) i got no time to type sth properly out. (i know i know. you're going riiighhhhhhhht that doesnt even make sense. i think so too. lol)
haha. i SO need to get my brain in order. i am screwed up *shake head* haha. dont judge me, you're probably just as bad :O (now i'm offending ppl too, great!) hahaha.
quote: "I am a poor college student. Today when my boyfriend of 7 months picked me up from school with MY 2 year old daughter,I saw she was wearing a new tu-tu and new shoes and a HUGE smile..my boyfriend took a little girl who is not his on a mini shopping spree just to see her smile. guys like him GMH"
other than that blogging is on hold at the moment as i clear my overdue assignments ... right. maybe im jus kinda sick of e stuff i write & have no time to write more thought-ful posts :b (at least when u keep quiet ppl wont know how ... u are. haha)
i duno that dinner was particularly memorable. i still rmb trying to steal zj's food and what he shared abt fellowship being like ppl living in different areas... i lazy to exp i believe i've written it before..
social cogni tion lecture this week hahaha... this week's social cog lecture was about how mood affects social cognit i on lol.
i realised.. i must've been rather happy... particularly back in ac. esp 1st 3 mths lol.
one point was - ppl in happy mood tend to sort things into one category (vs many categories.) another was - ppl in happy mood make more confident and direct requests whereas ppl in -ve mood are more cautious and polite lol and another was - ppl in positive mood tend to self disclose more intimate topics
Paul writes about death and dying in ninety-six verses. Number of times the believer is mentioned as needing to die to self? ZERO.
There's no such thing as "dying to self" for the believer =) "dying to self" is a man-generated idea. Those who believe in dying to self elaborate and say we must 'die to anger', 'die to unbelief', 'die to our own ways', 'die to our this-and-that'. But we're not dyING but have already DIED in Christ. Past tense.
It's like stepping over and over again on the cockroach that already died completely by Baygon. The cockroach doesn't get any deader. You're just staining your shoe. And you feel good because you feel you're killing the (already) dead cockroach.
____________________________________________
haha this is why i love listening to zj, he always has these unconventional insights. i shd talk to him more.
few people can strip me of my defences like you do.
you reach my heart in a way few people can
.....
for a moment i caught a glimpse of what it might be like to be in love, not just to like each other, not just what i imagined love to be, but ... oh man. something so deep in your soul. so bare. to know and love, even someone's flaws. to hold their hand and walk with them, through their struggles.
and i have to say i think its scary to be in love. its something that, once you get caught in it, blinds you to logic. it has the potential to make you give everything you have. (i mean look at jesus lol)
don't fall in love. hahah.
(but i digress - you cannot know love when you're still trying to hide. you cannot fall in love when there is still pretense. not the kind of love im talking abt at least.)
i dont know if you're for real. dont know if i believe you correctly. that's why i say its a glimpse.
i backed.
cant afford to fall, when the circumstances are as such.
but you set a standard.
i'm gona walk on by... not gonna promise you anything about 4 years from now,
i'm not gonna wait... after all, i dont know what you're thinking.
i dont know what im thinking too :)
not gonna say "if it happens it happens."
not gonna get your hopes up/down lol.
(& omg) if i wanted a 'friend with benefit' i cld've chosen anyone..e guy gg after me is quite hot :b & there's another cute one im pretty sure is looking for some benefits o_o
it was my heart you caught :)
but whether im meant to be with you, that's another story. i dont know if we like each other enough. i dont want you to be my regret. me to be yours.
we go, our separate ways for now, and maybe for good. but we go.
I WANT SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO KNOW MY HEART DAMIT. FAIL FAIL FAILLLLLLLLLL.
u might be good looking and capable but .... yr too self centred to really know me. i'm sorry. u place me in this assumed mould. ew. you'll NEVER get to know me.
I FEEL LIKE I WATCHED A THOUSAND EPISODES OF SPONGEBOB AT ONE GO.
and i wld rather talk to gary the snail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
perfectionist, perhaps, nobody expects u to be "perfect"? perhaps, u shdn be so hard on yourself (& when yr hard on yourself, u'll be more judgemental abt people as well...right?) cuz everyone has flaws. rmb wat u said before about ppl learning and growing... hmm. yeah stop seeing yourself through your own eyes.
i wonder if that even made sense. but well... read the below quote! (not e yellow part, below tt) LOL.
but nice quote ah? (especially for me :b) i mean, ignore the wat about the "right one" , i think its sth u can do for any1.
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know ... that the way you know you have found the right one is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person.
Having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. - a quote by Dinah Craik
i saw clement and ephraim today randomly when i went to church.
the way my brain lighted up. i cannot describe. its like i jus felt refreshed.
then i met michael and it really made me smile so much i dont even know why.
it made me realise how much i missed my jc cg. and how much i'm missing at this moment :( where did they all go :( where is the time when we could just sit around and hang and crap and not be conscious of the time.
we're not the kids we used to be anymore, ... okay. sigh.
i feel sad. sad that it had to end. sad that what i have to settle for and crave right now doesnt even compare to the camaraderie we used to have (what does tt word mean. i saw it somewhere so im using it lol)
i mean i love my current closer friends
but ... when i say something lights up in my brain, its really -something lights up- .... i duno how to put it. same when i said sth lights up in my brain when i see j. its such a shocking experience that im self-stunned.
then today in church ps talked about counsel.... circle of friends huh. in a multitude of counsel there is safety...but i dont have that anymore. but he also said he'll pray tt ... sth too lazy to paraphrase. and i'm going through some crap right now and could do with some counsel, but i guess people grow tired.
and yes i'm very sad about how _ just walked out of my life like that. I know im not a good friend but arent friends supposed to stick by you? i thought i had a friend, but i guess i was too much to handle.
i thought i had a friend, i never had to worry about being accepted because we got along so well. :( (omgadd im like damn emo atm!)
and i wonder...do people feel more obliged to be there for u when they're in e same cg?
sigh.
...
thinking back..they were the one stable thing that really kept me socially-happy. (rmb i always could nv understand why people needed a gf/bf. sigh.)
i've never felt so lonely before @_@ ..... i think i am feeling lonely?? i know i have god, but then, i dont deny friends are impt too.
eph i used to talk to you everyday on msn. now u cant even hold a proper conversation with me without gaps of 5 mins in between every reply.
you could've just told me what was wrong.
anyway.
i digressed again.
-------------------------------------------------------- yeah i dont know its all so screwed up.
sometimes i wonder if i really ..soemthing... or whether its just circumstances that brought me to this.
i dont wana talk about it on my blog.
i've hurt enough feelings. i need to stop writing relationship related matters on my blog. people tend to see only the negative.
... a mistake i regret for the 2nd time.
a relationship i dont want to lose. a friend.
maybe i'm just tired.
i think i probably said things i shouldnt have said. and whatever it is i apologised in advance because of what happened the last time.
i dont want to lose a good friend. a good friend who has the potential to walk with me for a long time.
who am i kidding. of course u know who u are if u read this. sigh.
as much as you say yr here to stay, i still doubt u can handle this. but i appreciate you trying.
i still think that very soon u'll run away though u say u wont-how well do u know yourself? i dont think anyone can promise me that. haha.
.....
Hey God....hello. maybe you're trying to make me turn to you. but i've been looking for your love and its been pretty elusive.
maybe you just dont speak my love language.
i dont know why i dont have that same feeling i have for you as i did when i first knew you.
i dont know why i dont have that same faith i did when i first knew you either.
i keep saying church is screwed up, but, its been what, 8 years?
and, you're god, almighty god. so what's stopping you from getting to me?
am i to spend my whole life waiting for you to turn up, living a substandard christian life, floating along? huh?
f*.
and eph if u even still read my blog, i know u hate emo stuff. i know im screwed up. but why cant we laugh and joke like we used to? why have u become so serious with me? (& what have i done to make you think so badly of me?) why cant we just crap and nonsense like we used to, why must i be a headache? maybe u shd realise i dont demand of you solutions to my problems when i talk to u? i dont even know what the heck is the issue. gah. whatever.
i've always wanted to avoid relationships because i was afraid of breaking up.
if u dont start a rship u dont get to end one see.
LOL.
(yes that's always been why i want to get to know someone/someone get to know me well before we even think of anything more.)
...
but as much as i wanted to avoid such stuff... i forget that it doesnt only happen in bgr.
...
how does it feel when you used to be so close (friends) to someone and then the person found someone better?
it happened in primary school. i thought it wouldnt happen again.
oh right.
i never had a bestfriend since then.
they never got that close.
we be fair weather friends, all smiling and laughing.
i dont know what it means to be someone's best friend lol.
...
read a quote the other day.
and was thinking about it anyway.
i think it applies to all rships
when you love you really open yourself up to being hurt. *hmm* does it have to be like that? when u love someone it means the person matters to you alot. and when something matters to you alot, anything it does has the potential to hurt you.
ahh heck.
------------------------
yeow stop emo-ing and find god. thats the one relationship which will solve all yr rship issues. according to someone. but then it never gets any deeper than a certain level. hai. oh well what the hell.
why am i even saying all this. i think i will regret it but then WHAT THE HELL.
okay. perfect timing. i'll take that. hahah. (u gotta read e post below to know why)
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know ... that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts.
In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a
"do you see a man good at what he does? he will stand before kings, he will not stand before obscure men." Proverbs 22:29
it doesnt matter. just work on your skill anyway?
i know you hate it when things dont seem to fit perfectly,
but. how about just take it and go?
its not final, babe :) chill.
JESUS!!! --------------------- i dont wana ask feeling afraid that you wont do anything. truth is deep down im still afraid you wont show up, that its all a lie... how? i'd like to run to you but ... sometimes i'd rather run to someone more ... apparent. haha.
Principles, wisdom, advice - or Him? We take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss the most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who were doing all the “right” things: “Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you’” (Matt. 7:23). Knowing God. That’s the point.
You might recall the old proverb: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help him solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn’t master enough principles to see yourself safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work—is it time to make a move? What has God called you to do with your life? Things are hard at home—is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can’t seem to shake this depression—is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you—and how should you respond?
Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all—aren’t we “followers of Christ”? Then by all means, let’s actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.
irony is, reading this is part of my procrastination 'plan'.
Why We Procrastinate
Procrastinators are made not born. Experts show why people choose sabotage over self-regulation.
By PT Staff, published on July 01, 2005 - last reviewed on September 11, 2007
There are many ways to avoid success in life, but the most sure-fire just might be procrastination. Procrastinators sabotage themselves. They put obstacles in their own path. They actually choose paths that hurt their performance.
Why would people do that? I talked to two of the world's leading experts on procrastination: Joseph Ferrari, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at De Paul University in Chicago, and Timothy Pychyl, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada. Neither one is a procrastinator, and both answered my many questions immediately.
10. Twenty percent of people identify themselves as chronic procrastinators. For them procrastination is a lifestyle, albeit a maladaptive one. And it cuts across all domains of their life. They don't pay bills on time. They miss opportunities for buying tickets to concerts. They don't cash gift certificates or checks. They file income tax returns late. They leave their Christmas shopping until Christmas eve.
9. It's not trivial, although as a culture we don't take it seriously as a problem. It represents a profound problem of self-regulation. And there may be more of it in the U.S. than in other countries because we are so nice; we don't call people on their excuses ("my grandmother died last week") even when we don't believe them.
8. Procrastination is not a problem of time management or of planning. Procrastinators are not different in their ability to estimate time, although they are more optimistic than others. "Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up," insists Dr. Ferrari.
7. Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is learned in the family milieu, but not directly. It is one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances. What's more, under those household conditions, procrastinators turn more to friends than to parents for support, and their friends may reinforce procrastination because they tend to be tolerant of their excuses.
6. Procrastination predicts higher levels of consumption of alcohol among those people who drink. Procrastinators drink more than they intend to—a manifestation of generalized problems in self-regulation. That is over and above the effect of avoidant coping styles that underlie procrastination and lead to disengagement via substance abuse.
5. Procrastinators tell lies to themselves. Such as, "I'll feel more like doing this tomorrow." Or "I work best under pressure." But in fact they do not get the urge the next day or work best under pressure. In addition, they protect their sense of self by saying "this isn't important." Another big lie procrastinators indulge is that time pressure makes them more creative. Unfortunately they do not turn out to be more creative; they only feel that way. They squander their resources avoiding.
4. Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don't take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail is almost perfect for this purpose. They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as fear of failure.
3. There's more than one flavor of procrastination. People procrastinate for different reasons. Dr. Ferrari identifies three basic types of procrastinators:
Arousal types, or thrill-seekers, who wait to the last minute for the euphoric rush.
Avoiders, who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success, but in either case are very concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability.
Decisional procrastinators, who cannot make a decision. Not making a decision absolves procrastinators of responsibility for the outcome of events.
2. There are big costs to procrastination. Health is one. Just over the course of a single academic term, procrastinating college students had such evidence of compromised immune systems as more colds and flu, more gastrointestinal problems. And they had insomnia. In addition, procrastination has a high cost to others as well as oneself; it shifts the burden of responsibilities onto others, who become resentful. Procrastination destroys teamwork in the workplace and private relationships.
1. Procrastinators can change their behavior—but doing so consumes a lot of psychic energy. And it doesn't necessarily mean one feels transformed internally. It can be done with highly structured cognitive behavioral therapy.
so i saw this description on my friend's fb and thought it was really nice. and being the procrastinator i am i went to "spend a littttlee time" taking it to see what it gives me. and it gave me e same thing! but i still think its nice. whether its true or not is sth else altogether but yeah at this moment, i think its kinda nice.
The person you can't get over: That one person who drives you mad, but also has always been there for you. Sooner or later you will both realize that it... was meant to be and give in to the fact that you two belong together. Stop pretending that the relationship has to be perfect and start realizing that perfection comes in giving into true love.
when they went to japan. looks nicer bigger :( im constrained by my blog template *hmm* for some reason they looked nicer when i saw it on his blog -_- ..... zzz. ok shd jus go to e blog.
this just totally says "wait." :)
which reminds me... i havent uploaded e new zealand photos. rah. i havent done a lot of things :b
" went with e cg to nydc played taboo for like 3hrs. LOL.there was this one point it was charles turn to describe. Hwei, me, jo, charity wer stiitn in a row in fronta him.
charles: jofid has it, yeow an doesnt. charles: okok jofid, charity n hwei fen all have it only yeow an doesnt. hwei: brains!
We are very social beings *nods* social cog textbook said our baseline thought is social thought. lol.
As much as i've thrashed around screaming like an idiot about ...
I realise ... really is someone I have to thank God for. and thank very very much for.. as a friend.
Its a very sad life to not feel cared for, not feel important. when there's no1 to talk rubbish to as and when you like (LOL. yeah its yeowism.)
i'm not gonna repeat what happened. some people were very important parts of my life one moment and somewhere far the next moment. one of them quite deliberately some more. tsk.
So screw everything i've said. thanks for being an awesome friend. for always asking about my day, for assuring me you're here to stay when i was feeling lousy as a friend, for telling me i'm awesome when i was down.
:D for being you. as annoying as you are. for accepting me, as annoying as i am. yeah accepting me, cuz u know i got a dark side. i've never been this real with anyone. haha! no wonder i feel no resistance with you. mmm now i know why.
1. life's meaningless when u live it for yourself = mild depression. LIFE'S ABOUT LIVES! i -really- feel happier when im doing sth for god wrt ppl. o_o. befriender instincts lol. its unfortunate that, sometimes i myself is so.. like unqualified to help ppl. both in willingness and in ability. but tt doesnt mean god cant use u. believe tt.
2. singing makes me happy. no singing = mild depression. (LOL whats with that = mild depression thing) if im sad, and i sing easily, it makes me feel ... fine. if i got a sore throat/dun sleep enough/sound crappy im v sad. SO SLEEP EARLY. one aim in life is to ensure u always sound good.
3. vocab is useful. command of language. pls seriously work on it?! 1stly, u can communicate better. 2ndly u can write songs more easily and less clichey sounding, and u can find e right words to describe wat u want. SO VOCAB VOCAB ENGLISH ENGLISH RAHHH.
(i shdn publish this. :S i dont know why. but then i dun care??? maybe i publish slightly lower down...) actual date 10/13/09 5:41 PM
i still dont like it that this doesnt base things on like proper verses. but its interesting to see what it says sometimes. though, take it with a pinch of salt. you'll understand why i pasted this when i eventually post one of my old drafts. which means u might never understand but hahaha. whatever.
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know ... that you are not to shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find and keep.
The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it.
part of me thinks that this has a potential to become one big misunderstanding-joke.
maybe u really were just testing me to trick me into saying weird stuff. which i didnt, but the words you said were still dubiously recalled whenever u said anything dubious again.
at least i can say that i've never said anything more than i really felt. thank god. yay yeow 10 points! from.. myself! you have successfully lived by your standards. even though i think most of e time its detrimental to u. (why am i talking to myself in 3rd person.)
hahaha.
flirting is retarded. seriously. i will punch you in the face. i used to think flirting was just annoying but omgadd. i think its not sth u play around with, thank you.
what is wrong with all these people in the world?!?!?!
this is why people anyhow end up with people they dun even think in the beginning they like to begin with -_-...........
does anyone want a kitten? save it from bein put to sleep! says: ur a PART murderer haha +*Jesus' precious wish. 27th 27th! says: objection! hahahaha. i believe u call it man... no catslaughter tt jus sounds worse LOL does anyone want a kitten? save it from bein put to sleep! says: LOL +*Jesus' precious wish. 27th 27th! says: did i jus write laughter LOL slaughter o_O is tt how u spell it does anyone want a kitten? save it from bein put to sleep! says: i think so +*Jesus' precious wish. 27th 27th! says: omg how sadistic slaughter has laughter in it O_o creepy
i wonder why sometimes when you look me in the eye and tell me aww, or when u hold me tight, i have the urge to cry? it is so weird.
anyway. maybe we shd jus seriously put our feet down and stop messing with our minds. ok maybe U shd stop messing with MY mind. (yeowwwannnn!!!!)
you are my friend. friend friend friend.
& yr a damn evil friend at that! lol sheesh!
lol. i need to stop letting my heart rule my mind. i still think im just one of the girls in your life. i need to stop being blind to tt omgadd. as in. *turns bimbotic* im kinda okay with it if u really like me better than all the rest of them, LOL but no (and gee this is actually funny),
YAH. runaway yeow runaway!!
sorry if i stepped on your toes and u think im v weird now lol, you ah! your fault okay. tell me yr pouring your heart out there omgadd. lies. lol. your catch phrase. siala. i tell u, it was nv about wat transpired after, it was there in the beginning, all in the words.
omgadd la. i think e timing was e trouble too. i mean hello i think u were saying weird stuff cuz u jus brok with yr gf tt time. & ...the 3 seconds guy. omgadd. when it comes to e way u blog LOL. and yr short attention spans
gahh im sorry i helped u complicate things. & now its probably as 'annoying' as u say yr gf
mmm. how now. cold turkey. good thing u went to the a...
as much as i -dont- love you, i do. yet i feel, its more than you do.
i think now you probably regret what you said even more. sigh. yr not supposed to regret anything about this. i promise you from my side i still wanna be your friend. i duno about you, probably think im damn weird. ok lah. spare you the trouble.
i dont want to upset you, but let me forget you. i was gonna say let me let you go. (but tts so lake house. e time frame seems appropriate though.. lol.) --------------------------------------------------------- its not gonna be easy. damn. everytime i think i can stop feeling sth, i meet you and its like OKAY nuh *melt*
its the oxytocin man, yeow. the oxytocin. LOL just stop meeting.
sounds good.
although i cant imagine building this sort of connection with anyone ever. argh they say you're gd at this, tt yr a sweet talker, ....
oh well. i cant deny you use words well. and that's jus part of what i love abt you lol.
but damn its so one sided. make that 3/4 + 1/4 sided. i'm sorry we complicated things but you complicated it since 5/6/2009, when you said u always had feelings for me and i pretended u were joking. but i remember :X i was like silently awww. but i cldn say anyth. i had nice feelings too but i wasnt sure i liked u.
and that was also when u let me read your blog and i realised you're not the 1 dimensional fun person i knew. i stun.
i really always thought of you as my brother -_- tt time you really reminded me of my brother. and i was very happy cuz i got along so well with you. i bet you thought of me as your sister too, the thing i bought for you, you told me your sis bought it but im pretty sure it was me. how things change.
then u ask me if u shd get back with yr gf even tho u think shes bad for u lol. (tts where it got a little more complicated) & u get back tgt.
our long talks about our questions about god. i loved it that you think so much. and you understood every single question of mine like you thought about it before. omg. yeah you understood what i was saying. zomg. that's it! nobody else gets it without explanation, its like u jus knew. *and you even gave me the elaborations, echo-ed my thoughts perfectly. my best friends... no... yeah _... you understood perfectly. or maybe again yr jus good at talking.
but you tell me i'm just like you.
is that you talking again? LOL. sweettalkarrrr?
but you don't lie... you've always told stuff as it is. if i was being weird u told me. if you were bored you said so.
precisely why you're open enough to share your qns abt god with me. most ppl jus hide them.
if you're annoyed you also said so. you dont sit there and simmer.
zzzzz
ok ok anyway so yeah.
the best part is i knew him for very long alr so I WASNT SUSPICIOUS UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE! lol
and below are 2 other failed drafts tt u can read with a pinch of salt or choose not to read. self censor remember. hahah. they're called FAILED drafts for a reason, and reflect certain feelings at certain diff points in time.
sometimes i wonder why i can never find someone real, as in, those annoying buggers claiming to be gg after me who dont even bother to read my blog, dont bother talking to find out more things about me, i hate people who schema-tise me. i know some1 blogged abt it once. abt someone imagining him to be someone he's not. im yeow and i have certain things unique to me, and omgadd i'm smart enough to know whether you like me or some idealised version in your mind of me. f*
i think i jus really want some1 i can connect with. and that's not easy hahah. and some1 who appreciates me for me (honestly).
i read your blog again and i remember what got me.
along with the fact that you like to dig.
hahah.
and how u think, how u understand what i think
and i like it tt yr honest, cuz u dun care wat other ppl think... or do u?
*shrug*
but along with all your digging...you sometimes dun pay attention. sometimes i wonder if you sometimes feign interest lol. i dont like..i dont like how u dont bring god into the picture sometimes. (...well im saying cuz u asked hahah..if u know who u are)
i check msn and yr still not there. do i miss ?? good question. sometimes you're there but i hide offline and refuse to talk.
yeah the time u werent there for a few days i felt kinda sad.
what a retard right. zz. im supposed to be independent. supposed to talk to god instead hahah.
but then again do u know, i think you're like god-sent..cuz seriously, do u know how sad i was feeling when my 2 best friends got attached and stopped hanging out with me as much as they used to. (to the rest, cuz they used to hang out with me ALOT and talk to me ALOT and was always there to listen to me whine.. or jus hang arnd and do absolutely nothing..)
so thanks :) and yeah, God can use you even if u think yr like backslidden or sth :P thanks.
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive.
Enough of the routine already. Go on, have an adventure, - do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
Its.. not enough to know the concepts... u need to burn it, put the ash in some water and drink it LOL. i duno why that came to mind -_-
ok anyway. what im trying to say (with my sleep-lacking-flu-medicined-brain) is that u need to know the content well enough TO APPLY IT. rarh. know it inside out, not jus ... know.
zzz. *nod* okay :P (why do i always talk to myself?)
-_-. yes i need sleep hahaha.
anyway i realised...
Everytime I study I learn something...not jus the content but sth about how to study too. lol. yeah yeow, study more.
. . .
now wat was i abt to say. OH YES.
wait no.. hm. i cant rmb wat was e other thing i wanted to say.
but anyway its been a really nice week, but i shd put it in another post.
& when i have time i'll blog about some social cog stuff. very interesting! i really like e subject... jus that its so...... ugh... tough.
and anyway here's some weird song shawn found which i think has an amusing video wth.
i didnt mean to steal that behind your back. i wanted to ask. but i didnt get to before you practically placed it in my arms so i er happily jus took it since it was there anyway LOL.
lets stop pretending.
i think you know. (and if u dont then good thing this is a blogpost & u wont know who u are LOL.)
i dont want to steal it, i want it for real.
i dont know what's going on i dont normally do this -_-
u disarm my mental defences... along goes everything else with it, all defenses shut down.
(and then i didnt continue blogging. but i probably wont. so here's it LOL)
(on hindsight. maybe i did kope ... ooops. but what's said is said. yeaa lol go ahead laugh. i hope e only thing injured is my (whats injured when you're embarrassed?) & nth else lol)
and it wldnt be the first song she wrote for you. but the other one went unrecorded and she forgot the moment she finished singing it LOL. that was years ago.
the scariest kind of people.. are not the kind that outburst in front of you... the scariest kind of people are those who pretend its okay in front of you... then do little shockingly creepy things here and there. o_o ... its sometimes i believe even subconscious. they dont purposely do it. they try to keep their grieviences in but it has scary ways of manifesting. so, dont be that kind okay. not happy pls say. o_o (im a bit creeped out.)
anyway i realised i wanted to write a blog post that's supposed to be the kind that ppl will look at it then huh?! and move on to the next post. but now that i told u that i'm blogging and you're looking out for a post i think i shall not write it LOL.
wahahaha. u noe, u shd totally ignore me when i do this sort of thing, cuz u realise, everytime u will end up going... cheyy liek that only, nth much wat!
*nods*
lol. why im writing here, i really dont know. but msn is screwed up and im sick of it so im not going back there.
yup im gg to bathe now. see you some other time... ;)
oh yeah u noe. i was gonna remark about how its so funny it is that we have these late night athiest talks and then we go to church TOGETHER hhahahaa.
and hey i just realised i can go on and on without u interrupting!
yeow, truth is...nobody really likes you that much, nobody really believes in your dreams, nobody actually likes watching u perform (even though they keep insisting they do-ITS BLOODY ANNOYING), etc.
gawd. ...i guess its sth i know, but ugh... sometimes i also get caught up with believing the lies.
anyway. this is what i kind of subconsciously believe -
the better u know me, the closer we are, but up to a certain point, the better u know me, the more u dont want to know me. HAHA. that maximum point is where you stop self-disclosure. LOL.
of course the graph can be expanded (just like the ppc curve can be expanded zomg LOL) when you become a better person LOL... hahahaa lancelot will be so proud of me, using graphs to describe life. LOL.
and today i decide... that no. i dont want to live trying to fit into that shadow. because i will never measure up. I was created to be different, and if I tried to fit into sth else its jus undermining what I could be.
Jesus loves me, even IF the whole world doesnt.
(u know, you are so precious. and you haven't even begun to understand it. not jus me, YOU.)
.....
you might think you're secure and all... but sometimes things just jump out and remind you that, you really aren't. but its okay... you've been there once, you been there again, its not you who gets you out. ---------
and so yeow goes living her happy life :)
i am going to forget you :)
------------------- i think i was primed by this: (on coach joscelin's fb status thingy)
DarleneZschech To get thru transition well,u hv 2b firmly committed 2 what lies on e other side of ur decision.Commit urself 2 e process
------------------
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know ... that doubt is the rust of life.
Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.
i think im weird. when i perform & there's people i know/close 'social proximity' i get very freaked out. like yesterday's bu a ya we ek closing, like ephs bday. zzz.
nvm. yes my life is in your hands, god! close the doors that are meant to be closed. pls make my life less miserable. lol.
actually my life is kinda pretty good lah.
why so self conscious these days? *sigh*
die to self.
hmm *shrug*
nvm, keep your mind on graduating.
keep your mind on the things that make you smile :)
whee.
and yeah before u know it it'll all be forgotten...
sth lights up in me whenever i talk to ... even after all... all tts said and knowing that... and all the time that's passed... *frown* there is something irresistible about your attention (aren't i creepy). and i ask god, why?
why let me .....
i mean hello. of all my unbeliefs, this is one thing i believe... that god is able to ensure i dont ..... someone i shdnt ( i mean hello, its really very simple. u noe, bloopers everytime im arnd, or just prime me to not like the things ... , there are so many ways! LOL.. -_- okay yeow.)
perhaps...its not the feelings that are wrong. perhaps its the whole self-efforts thing that is. :) let goo. and i feel i've overshot my word limit here. so taa!~
i wonder why alot of times i re-read my post e next day and think its damn badly phrased.
zzz. i dont think putting up stuff for bua y a we ek is -sweet- perse, but i cant find the right word for it.
and gee i seriously need sleep. didnt sleep last night doing that assignment (which still hasnt gotten anywhere and i havent emailed my lecturer e updated version O_O)
just went for some hall drama audition and i seriously think i can't act for nuts. wtheck am i doing there.
lol. ah heck.
acting in front of ..what's the capacity of the place? are u kidding me yeow. meep.
anyway. heck.
was jus itching to do a little drama again after doing night of laughter back in ac. bad idea?
(yes as you can tell im kinda :X:X:X:X about that audition. so paiseh zomg.)
and now im wondering what they mean by that's all for today. are they gonna have a 2nd round of auditions? oh yeaah probably hor. ok.
im wondering also, what i might be getting myself into. haha. well . GOD HELP ME HAHA. (no no im not regretting going for it. we'll see.)
speaking of god.
i was jus thinking about making mistakes this afternoon.
and about all the horrible times i've been through because of some past mistakes i used to make over and over again, but how i dont make those mistakes any more? and i dont know why? and how there's so so so so much undeserved FAVOUR over all those areas, like unexplained favour.
i realised that... god restores double for all your trouble.
dont say lah, i'm always amused when shane walks with me and remarks about how i meet a person i know every few steps when i walk down the corridor in arts. he keeps telling me about it... must be pretty amazed. he says no1 else he walks with, even yr 4 has that experience LOL. its funny.
u all know i used to be some1 who didnt know how to even talk to ppl. but its different when u'v been there and experienced how hard it is. and i notice the immense ease these days. i swear i didnt do anything. and it doesn't even matter that much anymore... but god restores sooooo much more than you can ask or think.
imagine if i had known then, i could never have imagined it, i would probably have laughed in unbelief.
where sin (falling short) abounds grace superabounds.
you dont know what superabounds means man.
and the best part?
i've not even reached the end.
:)
i think,
god is awesome. more awesome than they make him out to be.
its once again b u a y a week. my favourite period of the year for shear es. its always so exciting to see stuff being put up, changing every few hours or so. awesome. simply awesome. even though i'm not the one being buaya'ed, jus looking at all these makes me feel really happy inside for some reason.
its jus so incredibly *shrug* sweet? even though its all fake LOL.
~ random ponderings triggered... ~
I was walking out of my room and looking at the myriad of things being placed on whatever available surface, the various messages, and imagining a message ... rmb i talkd about noticing details & knowing someone intricately? sth sweet like that. sth real. sth that says u can depend on me.
and then i was thinking the whole idea of someone going all out to paint across the whole place to proclaim his/her love for a person. breakfast in bed, little sweet things u could do, the huge banners you hang.. u literally bombard the person, its impossible not to notice.
okay yeow is a happy girl! and thinks its time to work hard! whee.
anyway. another awesome note from the "god wants you to know" fb app. cool leh i really like it. great timing. (see the other posts i've pasted.) haha. altho it doesnt make any bible references. it still rocks lol. today i just finalised my mods, after all the dropping and all. haha.
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know... ... that it is time to finally forgive yourself.
You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it.
not bad leh like teaching me to decide like that. first it was telling me to just make the first irreversible step. then it tells me i have to decide now & not wait anymore. then it tells me we learn by trial and error and tt life is to be lived and not thought about. and now it tells me i shd forgive myself for all e errors i've made.
hahah naise. from this fb app i mentioned before (its been giving me decision making tips LOL):
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know... ... that humans learn only by trial and error, and that includes you.
You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.
~
And then a random song popped up in my mind ... "i'll stand by you, i'll stand by you.. dont let nobody hurt you i'll stand by you"
:) God is always on your side :P whether you're wrong or right.
~
and then today i just went for server's meeting. caught ps benjamin's part of it.
i duno what he was talking about now, but i remember one thing.
he said something about anointing gives u the ability and i thought of how jesus died on the cross for all our shortfalls, even that of my inability to make decisions. and i thought of how when u roast lambs there's alot of oil. (oil is a picture of anointing)
mm ... if u get my drift u get my drift. lol.
anyway. i believe this anointing thing, cuz, (eh i think i repeated it too many times)
OH YA i wanted to blog about attending my pri sch bestfriend's bday party and all the slightly bewildered looks of some of her relatives. (yes my that singular primary school friend that i had.) anyway that deserves a post of its own ?
anyway, its true. the only reason i have the amount of favour i have with the people around me is obviously not because i'm an awesome person or anything. its supernatural.
i mean whao, today my ha l l m a ster saw me and asked me if i wanted a lift back, i dont even know why he remembers me, i mean i really dont do much. o_o ahaha. its just kinda cool. how i manage to make friends also amazes me greatly because like i said time and again i didnt use to know how to make friends. i was so awkward.
i increasingly wonder what my blog is for LOL... mainly for ranting. makes me feel sorry for the few readers lol.
so anyway updates on the past week- mm feeling a li'l more relaxed now as many doors closed, so less deciding to do. handed in 2 assignments today so more relaxed also.
hurray for friday nights, they're the most relaxed of all! well i still gotta decide which mod to drop, so yea keep praying :)
sweet words are irresistable there are people who always suan people in the negative way... but i noticed something about my friend. im not sure what exactly it is though. sometimes he just suans you in the most delightful way. makes you feel like he somehow believes that exaggeration. as if he believes in you lol.
its a gift noe. i dont see many people like that. no in fact. i dont recall knowing anyone else like that. i mean people can compliment... but its different. *shrug* i dont know? could be just me. nevermind i shall continue observing and trying to figure out what exactly it is and report it LOL. yeow but stay away. cuz he's a heartbreaker.
*hums along* "you asked me if i loved you, and i choke ~"
(lol oops that made the song sound more like a joke)
- - - --------------------------------- ---------------------------- anyway. i wanted to blog about some1
(i really like to use "you" when i blog so here i go again)
(in no particular order... jus as and when i recall something...)
i was just thinking. you're the only other person i know who exclaims 'i love you' to a -friend- of e opposite gender. & i know u really mean it cuz i've said it before myself. i duno i just think its cool that u can say such stuff.
i like the way you dig things out of me, make me admit things i've never admitted knowing you think enough to understand that its dark sides everyone has.
i like how u manage to draw me, how u seem to really want to know me, how u manage to disarm my defences.
its cool how u dont pretend so i know if you ask u really want to know, and if u dun get it u say so. its annoying but at least i know u mean what u say. just love how real you are.
i really enjoy your company... but i dont know how long that will last. i know i get tired of ppl sometimes, and you know too.
but maybe i'll never get tired of u.
all i'll ever get is annoyed HAHA.
i think i've said more than i'll actually tell someone for real. and these things change like the direction of the wind, so im not gonna tell you who you are. dont try asking :) tmr i may not say the same thing ;)
mm but really. i thank god for you, for being there at the right time.
was random flipping my devotional today ... "and the lord said to moses, 'why do u cry out to me? tell the children of israel to go forward. but lift up your rod, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it..."
& im thinking.. maybe i shd jus go ahead with what ever im thinking, and believe that God will make it okay...
shdn be so afraid of consequences. but i am hahah. i think its cuz i had a bad experience with a decision. but actually im pretty sure it cldve been fine anyway. i jus cldn let go of something that time.
but...perhaps its not about the decision after all. everyone makes mistakes...not just once, twice.. we all make mistakes all the time... so who's to judge whether you've done something right, wrong. there's no end to this. something good could turn out to lead to something not so good, something bad could end up being a what some ppl call "blessing in disguise"
so perhaps here is where i let it all go, forget that it might be a mistake and trust god that where this decision falls short, he makes up for it.
i mean all decisions have their pros and cons. all decisions have their risks. what if we assumed the best (assume the risks would be safe/ trust god to make the risks work out to be safe) and went with that?
deal with it lor...
someone said u cant steer a stationary car (and thus u cant get anywhere)
oh well. im damn scared lol.
[and wtfeak u noe fb has this "god wants u to know on this day" app... e last time i clicked it it told me to jus take the step and make the 1st irreversible decision. then now i click it again it give me this :
On this day of your life, Yeow, we believe God wants you to know... ... that you cannot wait anymore.
The moment has finally come. You have no choice. You have to take that step now. Now. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, - Now! If anyone else is reading this, they would be confused. But not you. You know exactly what we mean. Do it. Now.
lol its making me stressed so im gonna sit on it for awhile. but yeah okay.]
facebook can be creepy too. lol. i dont totally believe it but yes i need to settle on sth and think of the 'what now'.
wow. html! hha its pretty darn fun to learn such stuff!
its not sth i'd previously enjoyed cuz it seemed so confusing but now it actually looks like fun! i think sometimes all we need is some guidance that is down to our level. u give up because yr helpless & think u cmi. or perhaps it the way its framed also. given a different context would i be interested to learn these. hmm.
anyway i'm also trying to learn blender. ALL THIS IS SO FUN.
good bye to mugging *kicks e waste paper basket* hahaha im kidding. eh mugging can be fun too. i think its how its framed. lol. i need a POINT for mugging.
(and yeah im still having module problems but meep life goes on for now. hopefully my brain IS subconsciously working on it and will come up with a solution by INSIGHT hahahha. [its some psych term tt im too lazy to explain])
last week it was that memento movie which really still creeps me out,
this week its 'judith' which also pretty much creeps me out (maybe i just live in a happy bubble like some ppl say & am not used to anything more dark... maybe that's why i like songs in minor keys..because i dont fully comprehend how sad it really is LOL huh?)
Judith: http://distractionware.com/blog/?p=759
arghghgh. its bad enough without knowing all this weird crap @_@.....
(oh speaking of this module, this .. http://www.ludomancy.com/games/today.php?lang=en .. isnt too bad :D can check it out!)
augh. its so creepy :\\\\\\\
ok back to writing reflections :X how am i ever gonna score in this mod zomg.
(sorry for the whole range of posts on this same issue. but i kinda need a space to rant o_o)
ARRRR. cant do it!!! i just cant dooittt.
:(
CANT DO IT.
OMGOMGOMG.
i think hor. i concluded once, as long as e option seems okay, jus take it already. dun need to go think too much. see the current option has ISSUES. so i need to change it to something.
what im worried is, i change to sth else and i REALISE the other one has issues.
OMG. HOW.
HOW HOW HOW??????????
nobody can solve this for me @_@ BUT I CANT SOLVE IT EITHER. UG I HAVE SUCH *ISSUES*
had dinner with my mom. 1.5 hours, all she does is go on and on and on about nothing important. the woman sitting at the next seat, the food, her friend's aunties, ... i just stare at her, stoned. she doesnt notice.
i dont even know what's wrong.
is she distancing herself from her own thoughts? is it a defense mechanism?
...
sometimes. sometimes. i wish that someone would ask me what's going on, and just sit there and wait until i talk. and want to know of course.
sometimes.
even if she did ask, she wouldnt have ever had the patience to stay with me while i fought. always a quick solution, why should u even have a problem like this?
i know i shouldnt complain about something like this, but that day i was talking to a good friend of mine and i realised that i really wasnt really tt close to anyone.
and i realise i dont even know how its supposed to be like to be close to someone.
the last time i had a best friend in primary school, we spent alot of time together, 6 yrs, then there came a point where we just got more and more bored of each other, im being honest, really i dont know why, i even wrote diary entries trying to figure it out but hmm i still dont get it.
(i suppose its best to keep people at a safe distance away. yeow is trouble. and yeow gets bored. once they really know me i wonder if they'll realise the big mistake they made.
prob is sometimes i want to be cared about. haha.)
i guess i'm blaming it on not having seen it before.
i guess i shouldnt.
i dont know.
i think i lost a best friend. shh. dont ask. its kind of a relative thing. its not that we're not friends any more but ah, i know i lost something. and i'll never say who or when or what, so fat hope with asking. some things are best kept quiet, this is one of them. and things change all the time, it might change for better again. so yeah keep quiet.
i dont even know what im supposed to do.
charles said i could start with replying sms'es. HAHA. not easy.
and its supposed to be a flow... if im forcing myself to be something, its contrived. i'll get tired out and angry and frustrated.
its gotta be an overflow...
but... He's just not there... i dont even have a cgl who truely cares *sigh* he cares more about the big picture than the individuals. i guess that's one difference between god and man.
firstly, after watching it i felt mind-f*ed. whatever tt phrase really means. haha i mean i feel as tho my mind's been screwed with Q_Q (omg looks lke eyebags)
i watched it for my module on interactive storytelling, the lecturer was talking about decisions and possible outcomes, and we were also looking at how a story is told..
gahh it just creeps the hell out of me. i dont know why im so disturbed by it. maybe because it had no real resolution, and for a moment it seemed as though the guy could've been wrong all along. how was he to remember that his judgement at the previous moment was based on fact and not...his own being evil.
anyway gadd looks like i should do my reflection exercises the moment the previous lecture ends or have this nightmare of staying up at night to do it the day before the 8am deadline like for media writing last sem lol.
oh one thing about the movie though...i guess we all know i can be pretttty scatterbrained. good idea to come up with a system to remember things/do things before i forget them. and another concept i cant quite put into words... like, every micro decision counts just like his scribbling the notes (the guy has anterograde amnesia, cant form new memories so depends on notes to make sense of his world) ... like, if i were to go to sleep without finishing my reflections first, i already know that i'll have trouble waking up and might miss the deadline, so i set an alarm and make a mental note to myself to bloody well wake up when it rings lol. maybe i cant decide because i always let these little micro decisions slip, i "ah heck" and disregard consequences, i do things that might have no point (just because they're right in front of me i go ahead) ... maybe? so im sitting here blogging, but really, should i be doing something else... hahahahahaa.......
one thing about me, i like to do things based on what i -feel- like doing. i guess i've decided that enjoying life is my priority lol! hey it includes work! im not gonna be content slacking at home with nothing to do. u've been thru long hols with nth to do... u get bored. i believe u can earn a living out of doing what you love. i mean. as long as its enough for you to survive well, what more do u want, you're enjoying every day of your life. but i think if u love something, u'll be good at it.(& if u want e christian view, god created us with the idea of completion, not competition. niche?)
one problem with deciding that you just want to enjoy though... i tend to like, lose sight of long term goals and micromanage a little too much, cuz i have to have a good time NOW.
hahahah. okay i've ranted enough. dont judge me ok LOL. i'm kinda tired and pointless. and sooo i shall go sleep.
u noe i really like it, when its a grey day and the leaves are flying all over. something in me just loves falling leaves.
im sitting here at the walkway to e library staring out at the trees. it really is pretty nice. its a pity everytime im in sch im stressed.
& now im wondering what it wld be like to see eph in sch everyday when im not stressed. i rmb i was sitting at this same place once when both jofid & shin appeared...last year!
how time flies.
:)
enjoy the moment.
the wind blowing past your ear, the tree branches swaying across the backdrop of a grey sky. freedom.
i wish my phone had wifi. ahh time to get back to work which i dont even knw whthr will get me anywhere. my mind's probably made up anyway. or not. i suppose i could be swayed. i've learnt to be more receptive of advice from people who know better :) and im still learning.
i need to devote some time this sem to find out what I should do, research a little on what it takes to get the job i think i want, and any further studies I might eventually consider doing and its requirements, etc. (admittedly it could have been done in the holidays, but when it comes to hols, my sense of urgency just goes to an all time lowwww. its over i'm not gonna bash myself up for that.) in other words i really need to do some planning! like i've said before, i tend to float through life waiting for instructions to be handed out to me. (thanks to the school system, there's always the "path you should take") but i suddenly realised that work has to be done to find out all these things. nobody is gonna hand out this information to me any more (& btw, nobody really knows!) go find out yourself! its gonna take effort, its gonna take time. really. get that into your head lol. consider it another module. ISM lol. plan-your-life1101. lolol.
to be honest, most of u dont know this (in fact i dont think any of u do) I can spend hours before i go out because i KEEP CHANGING WHAT I WEAR. it doesnt just have to -look good- in general. it has to SUIT my look for the day. (like there are days where i think i look better in a certain colour wtfreak?) and then there's that gut feel thing which i think i shd totally screw cuz its screwing me at the moment?!
and then there's the fact that i dont like to wear the same combination of thing i've been wearing. even if it works. i just kinda enjoy coming up with new ways to wear my clothes. (the days i wear my spag and black pants are those where i rush/ think its impt to wear sth safe tt day)
wearing interesting clothes make me happy haha.
attention seeker yo.
anyway.
today i was kinda late so i decided to screw the usual perfectionism and jus wore the first things i could get my hands on.
and you noe what?
IT MADE ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE. DUDE! someone even complimented me on what i was wearing. LOL.
yeow......... do an experiment with me. for the next few days, just wear e first things u get your hands on and go.
@_@ are u serious....
but actually it wouldnt be fun HAHA.
okay let me rephrase myself..
awhile ago i concluded that..
to ARRIVE on time,,, U GOTTA -LEAVE- on time.
i tend to like to nua on when im at something, until everyone leaves then i'll okay go home. if u ask me to stay 5 more mins i would gladly oblige. LOL. i got problems tearing myself away.
i guess it stems from some sense of fear of being shortchanged if i leave early.
hmmm.
discipline is painful.
or would it help if i crammed less things into my life?
but i think with discipline i can actually cram more things in leh. which i like!
is it better? if i just completely stopped looking at all my options, and just put my finger on one based on gut feel? would it work? should i give it a try anyway? i think. i should just, stop, thinking, about, it.
anyway my msn messenger has malfunctioned and its horrible o_o i realised i can barely live without it.. its like my window to the world .... hahhaha! well a littleee...
anyway ohmy, thank god for some people.
shawn for taking time to tell me about e bio lab :) shane for asking me if i needed notes for a module i havent managed to get thru appeals yet without me asking :)
as ya'll know its the time of the sem for bidding again.
hmm i was feeling really kinda horrible last night. its an add up like i said. sorry for anyone i whacked in e process -_- i blog like that sometimes.. paiseh.
i dont know what hurts. but something hurts. i wish i had an elder brother. :( (lol that was random) i need a hug that is not contrived. i need arms that will hold me whatever it is.
cuz i suck (im not saying this for u to feel sorry for me. as in, the fact is im human and i suck.) i say i love people but when they need me my heart just isnt there why? i dont know.
guess a few things added up to make me feel awful
one "dream" lies shattered in my heart at the moment. something i just cant understand, some things my heart just cant hold on to anymore. am i being unrealistic? but okay. i'll still believe it again one day. 'f course... i'm yeow -_-
& then some1 forgot all about me again... hello :( you know certain things about me and yet... when it comes to things that matter you dont even remember.
and then. it hurts when i BORROW stuff from OTHER people to LEND someone... and they dont take care of it. i know u dont get into trouble if u damage anything, but i do.. i mean its not that they dont want to, but they're busy and all. but it hurts, it just hurts. i dont know why. i feel like a stupid fool.
it sucks when u cant give your all because u keep looking back and seeing how other people havent given you that same... and you see the evilness of your human nature and you cant do anything about it.
i'm sorry man. im just a horrible friend.
and its so easy to blame things on them getting attached. so easy to drift away based on that. so easy to start looking for other people to be good friends with. i tried to talk to u but e only things u dared open to me was about your relationship.
but you were there. u were there all the time when i was down. when i was bored. when i was ... yeah.
but its so hard to believe, that you still see me as your best friend like i do. its mental maybe. maybe. maybe i just dont believe i deserve good friends. and any sign that proves me right i'll take it.
i wonder if it'll ever be the same.
good times. good times.
even if it doesnt continue i hope you had a fun few years.
i know u dont do lame things like break up with your friends like in primary school.
but yeah i think, i've just expired. so go... leave.. i understand.
there's no gain in being my good friend.
and yeah u've found a new best friend. i dont think we'll ever be that close again. i'll always be afraid that yr ahem will start thinking paranoid thoughts. LOL. that's not the life.
- - - - - sometimes i wonder whether im really right in considering certain people closer to me. i mean look, there are those who i dont really consider very close, who ask me about my competition and wanted to go.
(why should u bother right. yeah go on leave me. i'm serious. i hate things being contrived. if its not real , i dont want it. spare me the pain of that.)
CONTRIVED.
can ya'll stop lying to me?
sigh. i'm sorry im not a better friend. but go on.. go.. bye bye. see you again.
(ooh psych videos.. what a more fun way to learn lol)
ok so why did i post this LOL 1. there are cute cats in this video. hahaha 2. i thought it was interesting when he said sth about how "the successful actions appeared 1st by chance & the apparent cleverness arose by trial and error."
but i wonder if the cat knows that what its doing is releasing the things tt hold back e door, or is he jus doing it like a-memorised-ritual-tt-works. ( i was jus watching how they conditioned pidgeons to 'read'...)
i guess wat im thinking is... humans are probably more advanced in the sense that they figure out WHY things work instead of just how to make one thing work..figure out so they can generalise it to other stuff too. ...the mechanism behind everything that happens... though at the end of the day...it still really does involve trial and error.
3. and "behaviour changes because of its consequences."
hmm :S i wonder how that relates to grace. hahah. i mean, if u say there are still consequences, then whats e use of grace... or is grace just something like "giving u a 2nd chance"?
oh my gadd. i realised. its no fun ranting when noone reads LOL.....yeow you suck!! hahahahahaha
aw shit man. why am i so "emo" these days. WHY IS THERE EVEN A WORD TO DESCRIBE THIS. its evil... EVEEEEL!!!!
i need to "diversify"
i am sorry to say.
naw that doesnt work either.
something is MISSING and i am lazy to find it.
piece of ertyujhcvbjkkjhgfdyuik.
----------------
anyway im damn annoyed again. WAH KAO. ENOUGH is enough. i kenot take it. & because i kenot take it i am running away.
its not your fault. its just that i see things differently.
. . .
......
a sudden...*shudder*
but what if... what if... its gonna be like this from now on?
one by one your friends find partners... its like a different world altogether.
your bf could become your excuse for everything...i cant go out with u cuz my bf wants to go out with me on this date... my kids need to be taken care of.... blah blah...i cant help you cuz my husband says you're ...
what if i dun get attached?....... then i'll lose all my best friends? like, since i get replaced by the boyfriend/gf. and then when everyone is attached.....
oh yeah i've got god...... *waves* hello? :( its been so long since i last really really really ...... i duno..................
let go.
sigh.
cant talk to u about it because im damn volatile.
and there's no right or wrong.
die die die.
god send me more close friends... who are only gonna get attached e same time i do LOL. make my life easier plsssssss.
(another sth koped off zj's blog :D ...hahah.i like e stuff he puts on there.actually e stuff he says also rocks. hahaha. anyway rmb i was talking abt doing things tt have a point..yeah sth like this..)
Have you ever thought about why you get stuck?
I’m sure you have. There are entire industries built around productivity. There are multitudes of books, seminars, webinars, podcasts, blog posts, desktop apps, email apps, mobile apps, and physical products centered around helping you get things done. They are supposed to help you get unstuck, right? Because if you weren’t stuck, you wouldn’t need any of those things to keep you going.
But what if you didn’t need any of those things? What if you could solve all of your “problems” with getting things done with one simple question?
So the question is: Do I care?
Sure, sometimes you may have to do things you don’t really care to do. You probably don’t care much for cleaning litter boxes and filing your taxes. That’s a given. But we’re talking about the big things here, like the work you devote your life to.
Do you care about it? Be honest with yourself. Do you really care?
If you don’t care, allow that to be okay. At least you’re acknowledging the fact that you don’t care. Now you know that it’s not a water-tight productivity system you need to get you motivated. What you need is work that you give a damn about.
The first step is allowing yourself to not care and being honest with what you do care about it. That’s where most people get stuck. A lot of people spend their lives working on things they don’t care about, because they think it doesn’t matter that they don’t care. They think they’re supposed to suck it up and deal with it. Are you one of these people that believes it doesn’t matter if you don’t care about your work? It’s okay if you are. I used to be this way, too.
Then I realized something.
I discovered that not only is it valid to care about the work you do, it’s absolutely necessary. I used to think that you didn’t have a choice, or that doing work you love was some kind of luxury for the retired or gifted. And you know why? Because we’re taught that we can’t get paid to be ourselves. We’re taught that we need to become something in order to earn a paycheck.
Here’s some refreshing news: That’s an assumption.
More refreshing still: Just because a huge number of people believe in an assumption, doesn’t mean it’s true.
A lot of people once assumed the world was flat. And a lot of people now assume that work and play are not meant to coexist, that life must be a struggle. But the simple fact is, your life is a gift. To spend that gift in drudgery and grim duty is a waste.
So here’s the question you might want to ask now: How can I do what I care about?
(ZJ: Go to the original article to find out the first steps to doing what you care about)
Most Powerful Way To Get Unstuck by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead (http://zenhabits.net/2009/06/the-most-powerful-way-to-get-unstuck/ ) blogger got problem...i cant find my create link button...
it affects me, when you dont reply when i talk to you?
i know it shouldnt... afterall you're only one of my best friends(and that's just from my side.. you're one of my BEST friends. as in, you're one of e most awesome friends ever!) but yeah i know i shdn let people affect me..im like independent.. but i duno.
i cant help feeling like for some reason you kinda scorn me a little these days. u dun have to tell me its not true. it doesnt matter. jus sth i feel.
easy for me to blame it on all of u getting attached. (yeah why must all of u get attached at once. zzz. okay old news. for awhile i felt a bit more alone.)
anyway.... haish. relationships are troublesome...& its not just the romantic sort that's troublesome.
that's why its kind of not very good to get too close to me huh. i think i'm pretty problematic. gee.
i cant deal with it. i cant deal with closeness past a certain level. i mean when we didnt know each other that well all i did was crap with you and that's funny and ya'll like it and all.
but past that...
i've just got nth to offer.
why do i think like that arh... this is not very good. but yeah ... keep away. beyond the laughter... there's an EMOnster!!! run!! hahaha
As children, we are constantly told to “be ourselves”. Adults claim that we are unique and that the only one who can ever be us is us. For a time, we buy into it. Then we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of Junior High School. That’s the point in life where being ourselves isn’t good enough. We have to start being like other people. We look to role models, some of them our peers who, unbeknownst to us are desperately seeking for their own sense of identity. We forget how to be ourselves, and we learn quickly which secrets to tell and which secrets to keep.
By the time we are in our mid 20’s we are usually happy in our lives or else terribly miserable and usually that is based on the secrets we have chosen to keep. For up to ten years we wrestle constantly with the choice to tell our secrets or not to tell them. We find ways to indulge our private paradoxes; those things we enjoy despite being told we should not. All the while, we fear being caught and yet wish to live free. The funny thing about it is that we think we are alone. There is a reason that so few claim to love Barry Mannilow, but so many of us know every word to all of his songs. All of this pain and sadness can be avoided, but first we need to find the value in choosing to be our complete and honest selves.
The primary reason that we need to simply be ourselves is that when we are anybody but ourselves, we can never truly know that anyone loves us. They love a put on version of us that isn’t truly the totality of who we are. To be anyone other than who we are with the people we love is not only fraudulent, but bases their love for us on a false premise. Depending on the secrets involved, some of the people we love might love us differently or not at all. This is of course, why we are so afraid of honesty, but it’s also why we must be honest. The fact is that if someone we know might not love us if they knew, then they already don’t love us truly. They simply don’t know it yet. You owe it to them, and to yourself, to force them to make a choice regarding their love for you and how they will manifest those feelings.
Secondarily, we need to be ourselves because the consequences of faking our way through life, lying about who we are leaves us short tempered, prone to depression, and overall unhappy. Unhappy people have unhappy lives. Choose happiness. Those who choose honesty find themselves happy.
The tertiary reason for being ourselves at the risk of personal expense is that when we present ourselves as flawless, others feel the need to appear flawless as well. When you are honest and forthright about who you are, you open the door for others to be honest with you. You offer those whom you love the liberty to reveal their secrets, to find happiness themselves, and that is a tremendous gift. You might lose some relationships as the result of your honesty, but you will likely find richness in your relationships like never before. Happy relationships make for happy people.
May you find your true happiness, true love, and truly open and honest relationships.
awhile ago i realised i found it hard to carry things thru to the end.. i would say i wanna do sth, start on it, then lose the drive in the middle...
many times i slow down but finish it anyway la (with much prodding, and usually when i realise "oh! deadline's here!" )
but just now i switched on my comp, and instead of opening all the windows i usually check at once... facebook, msn, blog,,,,....
i suddenly thought... eh. what if i do it ONE AT A TIME. Not asking u to finish it before moving on, but to DO it until yr more or less satisfied, THEN go on to the next one. instead of hopping here and there and not doing anything.
one of my all time favourite christian songs...the tune and all that is awesome. and i loooove the guy's voice! if i were a guy i wish i can sing like tt haha!
the music is very naise.
but i still think my alll time favourite song is lao da's rendition of 'power of the cross' i've googled and youtubed and e only place i can find this is jus lyrics on 2 blogs. grrhh. ANYONE has a copy of someone singing this...?! maybe one day i'll just make a video liek e prev 2.
as i walk around the barren cross on which the king of kings has died
and all that was heard was just his cry bloodstains left behind as i take up my cross in my daily walk it has its share of splinters too
but nth else can be compared to his love for me and you
its the power of the cross the beauty of it all never cease to amaze the wonder of his love
how my saviour, my lord jesus came down to earth to redeem us all
its the power of the cross the beauty of it all tender loving grace the wonder of his love
lord of all creation the risen lamb of god has been exchanged that we might live
oh i love lao da's "love song" too. third day doesnt sing it as well, sorry hahaha. rahhh i love lao da's voice too! and his preaching... lol those tz days.
yay i learnt how to make a photoshop brush today! i know u probably think this is very lame putting this up on my blog, but well its a log for myself on wdv productive thing ive done (however small lol.) and it makes me feel like im making myself useful. so yeah screw you if u think its lame.
and i also uploaded more bdayparty photos to fb today... what else did i do.
OH i also finished a little bit more of my score arrangement today... but i got really tired cuz i cldn decide which line to put which notes. rahh. it was supposed to be a 5 part score but here and there suddenly there's a 6th part so i dun really know what to do.
AND I -STILL- dont know what e guy voice range is... i duno where i dumped tt info. gah. sian.
well yeah so i think today was pretty productive... surprisingly.
oh yeah and yesterday night i was looking for papers on indecision and i realised it was actually pretty fun!
maybe studying doesnt have to be such a drag...
ooh.
--------------------------------------------
shin says "try!"
i dun wana explain. hahah i know can alr. (this is soo reader friendly isnt it. hahah sry!)
Indecision and avoidant procrastination: The role of morningness-eveningness and time perspective in chronic delay lifestyles.
Journal of General Psychology. Vol 135(3) Jul 2008, 228-240.
The authors examined how time orientation and morningness-eveningness relate to 2 forms of procrastination: indecision and avoidant forms. Participants were 509 adults (M age = 49.78 years, SD = 6.14) who completed measures of time orientation, morningness-eveningness, decisional procrastination (i.e., indecision), and avoidant procrastination. Results showed that morningness was negatively related to avoidant procrastination but not decisional procrastination. Overall, the results indicated different temporal profiles for indecision and avoidant procrastinations. Avoidant procrastination related to low future time orientation and low morningness, whereas indecision related to both (a) high negative and high positive past orientations and (b) low present-hedonistic and low future time orientations. The authors inferred that distinct forms of procrastination seem different on the basis of dimensions of time. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2008 APA, all rights reserved) (journal abstract)
ANYWAY how do i use this psychinfo thing?!?!?! (lol gee and im going on year three.)
Anonymous,. (1933). The voice of experience. (pp. 338-344). xv, 367 pp. New York, NY, US: Grosset & Dunlap Publishers.
Format Covered
Print
Publication Type
Book; Authored Book
Document Type
Chapter
Type of Book
Classic Book
Abstract
(from the chapter) One of the most difficult things in life is to make decisions. If you are at all like other human beings, there have been times in your life when some vital decision was to be made, and you were found wanting. You put off until the morrow what you should have been doing on that day. You waited for someone else to make the decision for you. You refused to face the facts in the case, and waited until Fate made your decision for you. If you are human you have wasted precious hours and days of your life waiting for something to turn up that would make the decision for you. Indecision and procrastination are among the most human of human weaknesses. And yet, just because they are not dangerous in themselves, nor against the laws of the land, more unhappiness has been caused by dalliance of this kind than by actual crime or wrongdoing. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2008 APA, all rights reserved)
so i decided to google "psychology, indecision" to see whether there's any research or anything of that sort on indecision (i think cuz of samson's book on sleep). and came across one crap article...
"Two leading medical journals, or magazines, have suggested, or propounded, the probability (or likelihood) that indecision may be the consequence of a gene (the "wavering" gene) or a virus transmitted by green or blue budgerigars or parrots. "
LOL.
"The first meeting, held on Saturday the 21st October in London and again on the 27th October in New York, was unable to agree on the terms of reference, or constitution, for the gathering or meeting. "
........
then i decided to google something else which i cant rmb what now.. i think its "suffer from indecision" and found this article (this one's actually pretty useful)
“People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.” - George Bush
“Ummm… I’m not sure…” We all suffer from indecision at times. If we are not careful, this can become a debilitating problem which feeds on itself. Indecision is often related to lack of self confidence and a tendency to worry about potential problems. To overcome indecision we need to have the faith to follow our intuition, bearing in mind that sometimes it is not what we do, but rather how we do things that is important.
Both Options Can Work
“Indecision is often worse than wrong action.” - Henry Ford
Sometimes we feel that it is of vital importance to choose the right course of action. We feel that one choice must be the ‘right’ one and the other option ‘wrong’. However, this is often a mistake. What is important is how we make use of our choices. Maybe we have a choice between going to two different places; as long as we have the right attitude we can cultivate happiness wherever we go. If we are constantly worrying about our decision, then we will not be able to enjoy life even if we choose the so called ‘right action’.
I know a friend who regrets a choice he made at age 21 (not getting a certain job). He blames this for unhappiness in is life 15 years later. This is a mistake as the choice is much less important than he thinks; life is what we make of it and is not just about making the ‘right choices’. Don’t fret about making the perfect choice; just retain the best attitude to wherever life might take you.
Generate Self Confidence
Indecision often occurs because we lack self confidence and doubt our abilities. Perhaps we would like to take a trial for a sports team, but we fear whether we are good enough. The internal debate becomes about whether we should risk taking the trial. In this case, we should not be worrying about our potential limitations. Instead, we should follow our instinct - we have much less to lose than our mind would admit. If we ignore our misplaced anxieties, it will be easier to follow new choices, without worrying about whether it is worth taking the step.
Don’t Worry About What Others Expect You To Do
Related to the previous point is the concern about what others may think of our decisions. We all face choices where our instinct is to go one way, but then we worry about what people will think of our decision. We can take the advice of other people, but, if we really feel one course of action is the right choice, that is what we should do. Don’t give too much importance to the opinions of society; it is your life, not theirs.
Speak With A Friend
Sometimes the indecision can go round our mind in circles, creating a downward spiral of indecision. When this occurs it is good to discuss the problem with a trusty friend. We should not ask the friend to choose for us. But, talking about the issue will help to clarify the problem and get a better perspective; once we have done this it will be easier to choose.
You Won’t Regret Being Kind
If you are having difficulties choosing, consider your motives. Sometimes we want to take a selfish approach, but, some inner conscience is holding us back creating indecision. In these circumstances, we will not regret being kind to others, but, if we act only for our self interest then we often will.
Set Priorities
In life there are always things that we won’t have time to do. We can’t do everything nor should we try. What is important is to have a clear idea of our priorities - family, relationships, our inner life, sport or whatever. When we are faced with decisions, we can quickly refer to our priorities. Maybe your boss wants you to work overtime - the extra money would be nice, but, if you are clear about prioritizing your family life then it will be much easier to immediately say no. It is not possible to have the best of all worlds. We cannot expect to dedicate everything to our career and also spend quality time with our friends and relatives.
Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained
Sometimes we become indecisive because our mind is worrying over all the potential problems. Rather than looking at the problems consider the opportunities. An indecisive mind will always pick up on drawbacks of decisions. Focus on the potential of the situation and this will help make your more decisive; when an opportunity comes along go for it
doesnt seem as useful.. hmm but could give it a try...
hahhahaa.
think i should've searched for PAPERS on indecision instead of all this random online sources... but ah i was jus trying it to see what there was. lol.
it hurts but you dont know why you laugh but inside you cry.
.....
how long till your patience runs out? lately.. i've been thinking.. in my relationships with people i tend to judge how much they wanna spend time with me with how much value i can provide to them. like, if i amuse them, if i...
(and then i didnt continue. but i guess i'll publish otherwise its another burried post. i think u get my drift.)
If you ever wonder how God can use you to make a difference in your world, just look at those he has already used and take heart. God used (and uses!) people to change the world. People! Not saints or superhumans or geniuses, but people. Crooks, creeps, lovers, and liars—he uses them all. And what they may lack in perfection, God makes up for in love.
Look at the forgiveness found in those open arms and take courage.
you just walk in, i make you smile its cool but, you dont even know me
...
and we know that you could go and find some other take or leave it or just dont even bother.
*dances arnd*
ahahah that was part of my acachamps song... woooh. its a really fun song! the thing on my msn nick is also from there HAHA.
=_= i sound obsessed.
__________________________________
samson leooooooooo. HAHAHA. i duno why i jus felt like saying it. damn rubbish omg. i nv knew he was sO rubbish until this union camp... he bullshit the jrs until like wat HAHA. the thought of it makes me laugh. lawyer indeed. good job samsoN. recently sent me this pdf book on how to quality sleep.. sounds good. i think i'll try it. HAHA.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........ i love n.u.s.tyle. its been a year since we handed over and we're still doing random crap tgt. 3 going NOC & one going exchange alr.. ahh. ___________________________________ im glad... because i dont just have many groups of friends, e kind that dont notice when yr not around. but some groups where u actually matter somewhat. (that's why justinntien i realised our class is not worth e time.) im not saying everything's that great and lala, there ARE times i feel like an awful drag and like there's really no one to talk to when i have irritating problems and not many people i dare to call when i really need help. but im just glad for what i've got! and its more than i could expect. yup :P dont judge :P
you noe.. i am so tempted to start a new blog. something about this place juz doesn feel right anymore. sometimes i feel so torn between being "honest" and being "wise"... u know what i mean right? saying things i shdn say, ..
anyway. meanwhile i stumbled upon this random video (cuz i was playing naruto wii e other night and got curious about e storyline)
having whined about how i've failed & how people have made my party rock - thankyous
we also see how god pulled thru. eph was jus telling me, when i commented on how awesome he was at running e entire thing and after seeing all the obvious ways people made the party a success, i began to notice how well it flowed too.
my mom was saying how the mood was great, how it really hyped up..starting with zj arriving with the bouquet of flowers and the friends making a huge fuss out of it HAHA that was so freaking amusing. [photo] ephraim i know u started it loh! LOL evil! hahaha
then the hall friends made me catwalk in their lingerie (and again my dear emcee directs e attention of the entire party *hides* hahaha) [photo]
and then eph shows the video he did [video] you're good at this!
then starts the games which we didnt exactly have time to plan properly. i tell u when i heard e 1st game iwas like zomg wtfreak bombing game *nooo* but it was okay! (HAHA btw i heard yeowanN1 or yeow1N1 was suggested by joash... trust him to come up with sth like that! HAHA JOASH.) then the forfeit! YEOWCH HAHAHA. and the rest also! im so surprised they danced along so nicely! [photo] woot woot! and thanks to shawn for suggesting it as well. i was jus blanked out! ;) 2nd game, i hope tt achieved a purpose. 3rd game was the ultimate HAHA. i enjoyed that one so so so much. the people are awesome! firstly the costumes were hillarious, secondly the mummies were so sporting with their dancing. oh my. rofl. totally. edlina's group with her fish and milk bottle and all. zoe's long sleeved mummy. augustine and his lips & moonwalk LOL. joel and clement with his alien HAHA.
then the atmosphere calmed as joseph and renick do an item :)
then they cakes me face -_- hahahaa and just nice there was all that pile of toilet paper on the floor from the dancing mummies which i could conveniently use to wipe my face.
im so tempted to start thanking every1 again, but i guess i shdnt repeat myself LOL. one day i should do a proper post on the party. its one memorable party!
1- i feel bad for holding a 21st bday party because i didnt know it would be so much trouble for my friends. gah i guess i always overlook execution. im um working on it. i owe ya'll one. thanks eph for pulling me through this o_o you're the best man. & im really really sorrry about this. And thx for helping me get help, thx for coming early, it wld've nv happened without you. (& dun worry i WONT hold another one O_o) lol! Jofid & shin, thx for all the help, all the time, all e support thru my @_o?! Myron for dj-ing on such short notice, clement for taking over the photography & telling me what to do hahah. awesomes. Amanda & Janice, i should've asked ya'll for ideas with the programmes too. thanks sooo much for buying my door gifts, for really dressing up. i was supposed to get hair extensions & i even brought coloured hairspray but i didnt have the time to use them. i didnt evn have time to put make up *arg* Shawn, Chiews, QH thank you for coming early to help out! thank god ya'll came zomgs. hope ya'll had fun :\ Zheng yu for staying back to man the sound system. & everyone for coming and being sooooo sporting. for tolerating the food (i din eat LOL but it looked bad) (i thought i was gonna have good food seriously. but i guess my mom changed caterer :( i am really sorry! but i guess we cant go back & change that.) for the awesome gifts. i'm so surprised at some of the things ya'll bought really. thank you from the bottom of my heart! (gee tt wasnt supp to be so long haha!) (*later* official thankyous)
2- i feel bad for not inviting certain people i wanted to invite but didnt invite because they were random. (those so called "randoms" werent really that random) individual friends who i really get along quite well with. didnt invite. and then there were certain people who i thought might not really have fun with e games. so i also didnt invite them. gah. screwed up.
3- i think i wasnt very efficient in introducing people to one another. aw crap.. but i hope they managed to form some random connections without me around.
4- mom isnt always right. had a bad feeling about the caterer. it looked dubious, but my mom thought it had greater spread at a cheaper cost. where got so good one, esp small caterer, all the more-less economies of scale. its like home cooked food lar. i am really really sorry about that. treat ya'll to better food one day. i feel damn bad.
5-okay i have alot of other thoughts but why i write so long arh!
basically the whole night passed by in an absolute blur. maybe next time i should jus meet each group separately & treat them to a meal (i guess bday is a good excuse) and that way i'll be able to really pay attention to them. having me run around like this duno makes them feel as though they're less important :S
but really, my aim was to get people to know each other. i wonder if that was achieved.
daniel says: dunno but sometimes when i feel like kicking myself over not making the best choice after a while i realize that it doesnt exactly matter that much after all. most of the time
+*Jesus' precious i guess im difficult says: really?
daniel says: well of course when u do sth give your best haha yeah. you can be content and make the most of any situation really as long as u know God is in sovereign control in your life, it's good enough. there's often a purpose when we don't get what we want, and if i choose to remain upset that i didnt get my way then i'll miss out on everything good that could have come out of the unwanted choice
when i first mentioned i wanted to have a party, amanda and janice were like more excited about it than me hehe!
and as i told people about it so many of them offered to help!! i didnt even ask.
and man. i love how people thank you for inviting them ?! (makes me feel like such an ungracious ??? when people invite me cuz i normally go like o i duno can go anot)
and MAN. i cant believe people are actually considering coming for it instead of .. event o_O
Hello awesome people. I'm gonna throw a bday party ( i guess most of u who read my blog anyway shd alr at least have heard wind of it hahaha...)
Its probably gonna be on the 27th June, 7 to about 10 to 11pm. Venue is tentatively: The Bayshore (its in the east :P) but im still looking for a better one without weird pillars. Theme is tentatively: psycho ward (yes i will unfortunately be unglam i guess HAHA) Programme is tentatively: food, performances, major networking (LOL aka ... nvm), whose line is it anyway, and more performances etcetcetc lahh
yeah this party is for youyouyou. its just my excuse to gather everyone. so yeap. i think i think i think, and i think... forget the wishlist? janice & amanda I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING. & anyway i jus want ppl to come & have fun la hmm. although yes yr right they will gime random stuff anyway o_o hahaha gee. tough.
okay WAIT FOR MY OFFICIAL INVITE.
oh. anyone knows a place big enough for 100+ people... my guest list keeps increasing.
so i was reading my bro's friend's blog LOL cuz of sth my bro said on his.
" Beaver: Any more fruits? Canteen Aunty: No more already. Beaver: Sian lah! Nothing to eat.
-Points to the chinese altar with the offerings-
Beaver: Aunty! Give me that orange! Canteen Aunty: ............... "
HAHA wtfreak.
they're as weird as my bro. ahahaha. someone commented this week (i think it was jofid) while we were planning my party and i told them my bro's weird plans... "yeow your bro is weirder than you o_O"
he wants to come in a banana suit or march in with a troop of darth vaders or fake stripper or something o_o ... nah those are his arbitrary bursts of thought when he woke up one morning and i told him i was holding a party. rofl. "awww why didnt u tell me earlier?! then i can plan sth weird"
hahahahaaha my brother is awesome. i like reading his blog too...it makes me laugh ahahah
charles is trying to get me to keep one of these kittens. otherwise they're gonna put it to sleep :\ but if i keep it its gonna end up on e streets again when its like old enough?! i wonder why i dont see cats in nus actually... i mean if its safe i dont mind putting it there & feeding it lol. ugh. any1 else interested.
rare for me to find a song i can listen to over and over and over these days. awesome. right up there with those few bsb songs i used to listen to over & over. i dont even know why. what's the formula? :)
be humble? enough to admit that you arent born with it and be willing to learn.
as useless as restaurant city seems..
i realised something from it.. lol.
see the game doesnt exactly come with complete instructions, they dont tell u u can only sell 1 type of food, dont tell you up-ing your food level increases yr gourmet points (and earning money doesnt), dont tell u each table can only seat 1 person,that u can close yr restaurant by putting sth against the door.... of course u figure it out within like half an hr.
but its kinda like life-u figure by observation, walking around and looking at how others place their seating to maximise efficiency & modifying from there. googling qns. more observation.
okay you probably catch it so intuitively you dont realise.
. . .
the problem i have is that i tend to look inward & expect myself to be able to do something (without reading up/studying/observing/essentially, learning.) and then i get frustrated because im like why cant you do this?! (like duh) walk around and observe the experts/read/ask.
recently i saw this video of a korean kid who's v pro in guitar. the host asked him where'd he learn all that from?! and he said he learnt it watching videos.
yah dont underestimate...there's alot of things u can learn thru observation, dont have to wait to take a course, for instructions to be handed out to you.. i guess.
see abt a month ago i was trying to give my hair some shape cuz i saw someone's haircut and i thought it was cool.
so i happily layered my hair. and layered it too short such that it became FRINGE. UGH FRINGE. yeah i duno. i dun think i'll ever do it again unless i get too bored with my hair because it is in my opinion pretty disastrous LOL. so here's some pics for me to commemorate it (is that e right word) before it grows back into hair whahahahahah. (dun LAUGH. its my blog, let me have my fun :P)
but seriously. i think its just so not me (looks so.... sweet & girly o_O)
"Its the power of your presence.. its the strength of your hand in mine..
its the glory of your greatness that has the power to change my life.."
2 cor 12: 9 'My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness.' Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses.. (Paul sounds a bit nuts, yes)
rom 5:20 ...where sin increased, grace abounded all the more *sin=missing the mark, falling short (in greek) but it didnt come for free, jesus had to pay.
the news paper is full of funny stuff i tell you hahaha
" BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours, Chinese media reported on Saturday.
Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge.
"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests," Lai was quoted as saying by the China Daily newspaper.
"They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."
Chen, 2 million yuan ($293,200) in debt because of a failed building project, fell 8 metres (yards) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion and was hospitalized with wrist and back injuries. Lai was detained by police.
Chen was at least the twelfth person since early April to threaten suicide at the same spot, the Haizhu bridge in Guangzhou . But none jumped and -- until Lian gave Chen a helping hand -- none was pushed. "
haaah.i duno y im watching these.can u imagine swimming arnd in these huge waves o_o omgeee. (esp when they paddle out...imagine getting whacked by such a huge surf o_o... ok lah maybe e advanced boards arent as bulky & resistant as the beginner ones)
see i was (sec2) sitting beside my friend in class when i wrote this (i think it was a free period) and my friend was doing her homework -_- HAHA. (jean marie if u read this, u inspired e verse...i rmb v clearly looking at u and thinking crap i shd be doing my hw. HAHA.) ideally this song shd include drums. its a more noisy song! will get my bro to play for me sometime muahaha. whee. its supposed to have another verse and chorus before the bridge but um. i havent written that.
this was written in SEC 2, so expect the lyrics to be ... well.
and now, is it safe to assume very few people read my blog now? *grin* i wrote this song, but i didnt dare to upload the entire thing lol. paranoid freak. so here's HALF! ahahaha. tho i dun think the person who told me to upload even reads my blog anymore :D but its fun.
and oh yeah sry abt the irritating copyright signs. it has to be there to qualify as copyright apparently. (acc to my lecture notes LOL) so wdv. better jus put HAHA. oh & its video cuz youtube is e only uploading software i know -_- HAHA
[did it before exams :P] ... [i need someone to write better lyrics. this one was written for myself to understand only i think LOL.... probably makes no sense to the rest of u. any resemblence to any situation is purely coincidental. lol.] [ yeah 2nd verse anyhow crap alr LOL ah well.]
(ok this is the full version. here for a limited time *looks arnd in paranoia* HAHA ) *pls turn down yr speaker/headphone volumes before clicking this. im serious.*
. yah nv practice/warm up/play properly so a bit choppy here and there paiseh. but e general ideaa... um the intro is also crap out more or less on the spot one LOL and the last part i was jus anyhow whacking the piano :X lolol
----lyrics :\ ------ (but they're bad i tell u, bad!)
For 3 seconds I had, 3 seconds, I had your attention and I guess that's more, more than I could ask for
For 3 seconds I had, 3 seconds, I had your fixation and I guess that's all, all that I'll ever have..
chorus: and boy your three seconds they mean so much to me but i know i'm nothing more than someone you set free
(ok then here i anyhow crap alr cuz i didnt write a 2nd verse LOL i wanted to stop saying "3 secs" but i havent gotten down to writing it)
For 3 seconds I had, 3 seconds, I had your fixation (u noe i dun even know if this is a right word lol) and I ?????..
For 3 seconds you gave all that you had with such passion and i never met anyone who ??? such affection
3 secs (argh.)
chorus ----------------------------------
okay. *cringe* hahahah the "i guess" is over repeated, i know. but yah this is its original write, havent edited it. I DUN LIKE EDITING MY SONGS. LOL. cuz cuz...they're mostly captured during moments of wat do u call that. emotion? then when the feeling's gone writing it with logic seems rather different *hmm* but necessary i guess *looks up at e lyrics* yeeeaaaah :P
the song mad world. love the music, but man the lyrics are too emo, to an extent its almost evil haah. i mean its so depressing. not depressed listen alr also feel ... okay i duno i guess im just a lil creeped out by the (chorus esp)
the title just means i cant carry out goal directed activities...
see in a random session of drawing... (all this took like 2 hrs TOGETHER.. but when it comes to... see righttt below.. tt ALONE took me a whole freaking 7 hours o_O?!)
this one looks totally creepy, i dont even knw what i was trying to do -_-
well i began by drawing this glass bottle (i nv managed to accomplish the glass look on paper and pencil... maybe cuz i never dared to destroy whatever i've drawn, but here!!! so simply... the safety in having an "undo" readily available. maybe ... i shd just learn to take risks.. okay random.)
lol this was never my intention... wait. i didnt have an intention. the drawing turns out...however it turns out....
my play list was in the midst of playing "show me the meaning of being lonely" chipmunk mode when i drew this *hmm*
the 1st drawing of the lot... (its reverse chrono-) the 'sad' was added in as an after thought. i dont know why its there. mayb i thought this was really sadcase haaah.
ah.. as much as it is about the voice.. i find that its about the style as well...how they sing it... :P its not just abt having a nice voice. pronunciation? and generally how u sing makes a difference whether its a pleasurable listen.
oh yeah. and i nv knew how useful it was to go and scrutinise a good song, deconstruct it... u'll realise alot of things about what makes a good song vs sth not as nice...damn cool.
(well good is subjective so i guess if anyth u find out more abt yr own preferences)
like i just realised that showmethemeaning uses pads in the background! but its sooooooo low and not salient that u wont realise it when u listen... but it adds to the whole... effect of the song. i duno whats the word.
ah wdv mayb im jus not so observant so it takes concentration to find out all these things hahaha -_-
wtfreakkkkkkkkkkkkkk wed endexam+wii overnight, thurCG, friBdayparty, satcareersem+arrangementcourse+anotherbdayparty, sunL5shortwingmindscafe+church, monmoveout+dinner/anotherbday, tuekbox,wedbf3outing+bs???,thurcgthing/another bday,fri....empty so far...pls stay that way..., sat omgwtfbbqANOTHERbday.............knssssssss lol
hahaha pls ignore me. im just trying to figure out why im so busy :\ ---------------------------------------------------
yeS! and i realise ppl can only like the real you. so please. you're made the way you are for a reason, stop stop stop the occasional urge to put upp a wall! omg wtfreak. yeah i got walls in hall. i got walls ever since *mutters some gibberish* *slaps imaginary voodoo doll* LOL.
wdv. ----------------------------------------------------- yay. life is...also about the people you talk to..(what? oh whatever im trying to say. my brain is stoning) some people really have v interesting experiences and useful things to share... that night i was jus talking to someone who i'd consider pretty capable and jus listening to him talk about his experiences & what you shd and shdnt be doing when it comes to running comms and all, i think there was alot to learn from that.
always like talking to ppl... they all have their own ???? to share.
learn to draw these kinda things out *hmm* they'll feel more happy talking abt it also
and so i thank god for bringing along these particular friends of mine..who have taught me quite a bit about life these days hahah.
colourful lah. i'd say my world is really colourful X) because of the diverse bunch of ppl i get to call friends :D cools.. -----------------------------------------------------
oshit.the special term module i signed up for LOOKS INTERESTING. zomgggggggggggggggggggggggggg. zomggzomgggggg. looks. like. i. will. be...... busy? *forced laughter*
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. gahhhhhhhh. rahhhh.
hahahah. shiteeeeeee. i better come up with an inventory of things i wana do this hols. SO MANY.
firstly i signed up for an arrangement course and omg its so exciting! i'm trying to transcribe california sad-eyed girl ITS SO FUN. SO EXCITING. SOOOOO EXCITINGGGGGGG.
I WANT TO PLAY WITH MY NEW TABLET!!!!!!!!!!! havent managed to do much with it since getting it because of school and all omg.
I WANA DRAW MY OWN COMIC. im so inspired by the project work.
AHHHHH.
I WANA WRITE MORE SONGS!/COMPLETE THE SONGS I WROTE?/POST THEM ON MY BLOG LIKE PRIS PROPOSED HAHAAHHA
THE PARTY PLANNING OMG. WTFREAK BBQ.
GIRLBAND. YES LETS FORM A GIRL BAND FOR ACACH... LOL. i havent even propose to them yet... but the ppl i've asked seem pretty excited. even if not for acacha...... i think it'll be awfully fun............
whoa so many things alr.
i also want to improve my freaking english........i've been wanting to do that for a looooong time.
yeah the thing is i wana do them -properly- so i cant do them ALL...
whoa. my life is mine again! woohoooooooooo! NO MORE NU S S U STUFF WOOHOO.
i think.. special sem shdnt be so bad. i seriously think so :D
leme go calculate my time and stuff. *pls note you normally underestimate by about half or more -_-... in fact i dont even know how much u underestimate...*
:\
dont like, start on so many things and dont complete any. ------------------------------------------------------------
maYbe. all it takes. is LESS facebooking, stalking, blogging, msning! hahaaa. hmm. yes u heard me right. stalking :D tho i only stalk abt 1 person HAHAHA. omg.
aiyah wdv im talking rubbish. (i almost typed stalking rubbish. LOL.)
*some random musings today* (warning. heavier stuff ahead. it makes me sleepy, but ehh since i wanted to blog abt it.) *note. musings only arh! i duno wat im talking about LOL and NOPE, its not sth i've internalised yet. even -if- it turns out to be true*
so i was reflecting on whether i was really being evil :S when i asked for something (apparently) outrageous & the person agreed. (see i rely on feedback rather than planning and forethought.. so i'll ask and if its outrageous i'd expect protest. shit i sound like a airhead. i mean hey u nv know when it might be tht the person doesnt really care about sth what! ...) but so far it beats thinking before i speak because tt means i wont speak at all half the time, too much trouble deciding what to say. lol! hey i jus realised that was an indecision prob too (now, how the heck did we overcome that..) (well i rmb i noticed ppl say stupid things all e time,u dont have to make sense.) anyway u see the thing is, the problem is, u must also consider who yr talking to! what if the person is someone who's too polite to say no... or something. then she'll agree but u dont know she's actually not too happy about it. over time, this is pretty bad. ok wdv excessive redundant info.
along the way i started thinking something about.. - more than being abt finding e perfect 1 for u, its abt putting in the effort to make it work. i mean its like that not just for rships, for anything.... probably its like, u decide that u wanna love this person, and you adapt, not expect the person to be a certain way u think the person shd be... whee. adapt! liek lets say u know this person will do anything u ask her/him to do without protesting even though he/she doesnt like it, then u have to try not to ask for things that will be very like, taxing for the person. and if u know the person will never ever ever ask for favors/help even if he/she needs it mayb u can be more proactive in doing stuff for him/her. *shrug* once again its not sth i internalised... just a random mental wandering today... haaaaaaaaaa. nite.
i realised.... that there is no such thing as time i can waste.
I might think, oh I can afford to do this because I have time anyway... but that's not true. Every minute spent doing something useless could've been spent doing something useful.
life's a game of choices (as if you didnt already know) :(
don't just float along, attend every 'party' you're invited to, i suppose it takes a bit of planning..of knowing what you want. what's important to you, and how do the things you do help you achieve that.
do the things that are important first. (as qh concluded a long time ago on his blogpost on procrastination)
yeah there are things which are important, why do you not do them? its kind of a mystery to me.... perhaps i think that i will eventually do those things anyway so why not do something else meanwhile... flawed reasoning, sure, but maybe that's what's going on in my head when i procrastinate.
and yep. now i shall go write my letter to my prof regarding that late submission :\
painful but necessary ... i guess :S
(p.s. i think its a little strange how i use both "me" and "you" to talk abt/to myself?!! HAHA yeah another thing to do, work on my WRITING damit.)
*another video lol* they dont seem to have an original version of this so here's a random video.. another feel good song *sings along* "life is a maze and love is a riddle i dont know where to go cant do it alone i've tried.... gotta let it goooo...and just enjoy the show..dum deedum dum dee dum"
thought i'd do a little stock take on what i've learnt thus far... & engage in a relatively pleasureable activity as opposed to continuing readinggGG
lets begin with psychoanalytic because i jus finished reading it. i wonders why i identify a little with each attachment style! i think im avoidant (i think we alr established that a long time ago) but then im pretty secure to some extent *quizzical look* i dont like depending on ppl but im v confortable with self disclosure *shrug*
mm i found this really interesting too, about humour. acc to freu d (or sth like that) you laugh at something because it reflects your inner desires...like you laugh at a joke about someone getting hurt because your id (the part of your personality that demands every want be met) secretly likes to see -other- ppl getting hurt (or something)
freud is difficult to explain logically. i think funder does a really good job at making it sound logical. i like funder by the way. i really love the way he writes. which is the real reason why i bought the book. i think the book deserves to be bought at the end of the day, even though i kinda like reading out of photocopied notes. and YES its nicer to read in bed. but i guess deep down i just felt that the book deserves to be bought -_-"
& "exercising my dollar vote" isit? i hope more ppl write like tt
so anyway. if u dont have that inner desire, u wont find e joke funny. then i was wondering abt e kind of jokes i find funny... it usually makes no sense at all o_o
one of my favourites:
a guy walks past this asylum everyday & hears e ppl inside shouting "13! 13! 13!" there's a hole in e fence. one day he decides to take a peek, he gets poked in the eye. "14! 14! 14!"
so psychoanalyse me. lol.
and then i rmb i found it really amusing when clement talked about the fake sheep (pastor was using for illustrating a sacrificial lamb) should have a head that cld be detached cuz it was so *wtf?!*
and I LOVE "GAGS" ......i would like to do that to e ppl arnd LOL
hmm what else.
oh i love love love it when we just take unrelated things and talk a whoLe load of crap out of it.. like the whole shit thing in our cg ... what with michael long being the long shit and clement the dehydrated shit and then ah how do i even explain it IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL LOL. like, we create entire stories out of these. and we laugh cuz its so *huh?!*
and how about when my bro goes "turns in his grave" when he was lying in bed, and when he says he likes to change the sleeping orientation cuz he likes to wake up disoriented? wahah!
........i think its more the element of surprise than anything.
okay forget that freudian theory.
ok what else. gee im tired.
oh defense mechanisms. as i read that i was wondering if ... i've ever been defended against.
and the stages! i think im slightly uhm.... well i think i've got dependency issues..i'm kind of unnecessarily independent (s-o-l-o.. :P) but sometimes i would really like to depend on others. *shrug* sad leh, that's the first stage LOL fixated at e first stage ALREADY?! HHAHA i dun think so lah.
wait a minute. i do focus on mouths more than other features like peoples' eyes or what. LOL LOL LOL. okay no no...
biological- i prolly have a more active BAS than BIS. I DONT UNDERSTAND THE ARAS THEORY i like oxytocin :D LOL
oh OH i think its pretty interesting the links btwn emotions and decision making. apparently you NEED emotions to make decisions! people with damaged ...uhm... frontal cortexes have most functions intact but they cant make decisions when 2 options are similar? (sth like that) so frontal cortex also has emotional uhm purposes>???? HUH????????????
okay wdv. im tired! LOL AND I DONT KNOW WHETHER I CAN FINISH! RARRRR.
For some reason these make me really REALLY happy!!!!! I saw them at popular and bought 5 packets! thought i could give it away. but when i went back and started mugging and using one of the packets i fell in love with it even more! like u noe, instead of sticking those post-it thingies i can put THESE?! for one they're heavier, so it will fall open to the page. then i can keep changing its positions! and i duno it just makes me happy to have my book filled withthese... o_o OH they also keep your page from flying unintentionally when yr reading it and e wind blows. OH I DONT KNOW. i just love them. HAHA. i dont need a reason :P
i dont know why i feel the way i feel, lord. but i know i feel the way i feel. maybe sometimes we dont need a why huh. its enough.
- - - - - -
saw a live band from thailand today. it made my day. i dont know why (lol wait. this is unrelated to e above). their sound was so full even though there were just 2 guitars and 1 drumset. i was stunned when i approached and saw only 3 instruments, because the sound was GOOD (like, shiok..) enough to draw me there.
- - - - - -
26 apr
just remembered my favourite animorphs character was Tobias. hmm.
life's too short to be a perfectionist. you need to be a functionalist!! stop viewing things from how it should be... and start looking at it by what is needed.
thats the difference btwn me and my brother i guess... when i thought of the photostory i kept thinking of what STORY i wanted to do... whereas when it came to him, he immediately asked me "what's the requirements" (what are they grading on..framing, camera angling, etc)
then according to that he came up with sth really cool for me :PP it wasnt what i was looking for... but it worked...
*shrug*
i get very frustrated with myself sitting in my room. so frustrated ... and i dont even know why.
i am bothered with inconsequential differences. like making something slightly prettier.
there has to come a point where u stop, yeow.
ask yourself... "is this good enough?" if it is, thats it. you really dont NEED perfection...
LOL. if i am talkihng weirhd it is becauzz i havent had proper sleep in about 5 days. Yeuss you heard me rite. FIVE FREAKING NIGHTS. i think i havent off'd the light for about just as long. i dont even remember.
its like i'll get so tired then i'll lie in bed & fall asleep... with e lights on. i think i caught an average of 4 hours a sleep per night lah, if u average it out. so i guess it isnt tt bad. by the 3rd day i kenat take it alr..slept abt 7 hours. LOL.
HELLO BED!
HELLO eerm LAUNDRY!!!!
hello lizard...
there's been a lizzie running arnd my room. i think its pretty cute actually. its not the disgusting green translucent kind. its the stripey browny kind... mayb it will grow larger and become one of those tree-lizards. is there such a thing. LOL. no la i think its not tt kind. but it doesnt gross me out... so its fine. i wonder if lizards eat moths....
wahhahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
mmmmmmmmm the excitement & satisfaction of seeing 5 days and nights of work eventually printed..
its so pretty i tell you wahaha... i jus hope they dun minus marks till like what.
zzzzzz.................
im begining to talk for the sake of talking...........lol. see, i've been working so hard i havent had time to blog.
time just FLEWWWWWWWWWWWWW by without me knwing.
it flew by too fast for me to even say "life sucks"
like huH? life?!!?
love hate relationship with photoshop..........rarhhhhhhhhhh. love it hate it..... eeeyy any1 know to make my comp less LAG!?
some of the dialogue is really awkward...i tried to erase abit for blog purposes alr but argh. still...
was hoping to do a dialogue-less comic (hey its afterall visual comms) how cool if u cld tell a story without words! but my grp mates said it didnt seem like a comic....being a non-comic-reader i really dont know, but, y do u have to follow a style :\ had to conform a bit to some drawing style also (tho it still came out looking very me LOL) can tell the characters in page 9 arent drawn by me? :P
ok forget the reduced dialogue version. tt'll prolly appear in june LOL.
it cld've been better if we had more time to vet the storyboard sketches and how the whole story flowed.
i loooooooove the shading though. its a pretty comic lah, if anything :) & after all the complaints, i do like it la, its just, it cld've been better my grp suffers from group think i swear.
you know, this proj grp of mine has not failed to bring me this feeling of *joy* after project work meetings yet... (well i know, i'll still say wait and see, but im enjoying myself this very moment. and that's enough.)
i wish i brought my camera down today. wahaha.
we met from 11am... and everything just got crazier as we went on.
first off, i nv met a more onz proj group. who in the right mind would come to school on their freeday at 11am and meet and do work THE WHOLE DAY until 12am hello? we're doing it tomorrow too. "see you in a few hours" LOL. its like a camp larh o_O. module camp HAHA. craziness.
at one point cass got really high (due to 3 days of lack of sleep) and we started laughing hysterically "i dont even know what im laughing about".
then there was the point in time when we realised sheldon coloured some flowers in a flowershop green. upon further inspection i burst out laughing because our flower shop was turning out to look like a leaf shop instead- it included cacti, random stalks, christmas tree like things and bushes..... upon further scrutiny by sheldon himself "omg these leaves (in the foreground) look like what my mom always cooks everynight!" Les fluers... less flowers indeed LOL. more like Les groceries. that was one hell of a moment. i was literally rofl.
HAHA.
and then shane was totally going nuts because sheldon spent the wholeday colouring ONE panel of our comic and was depriving him of going home at 11plus pm STILL perfecting that one panel LOL. you should've seen shane omg..he was so funny. at one point he started playing the song "home" (or wats it called? i wanna go home?) by michael buble...... it repeated 4 times and sheldon was still perfecting his panel LOL. I SHDVE TAKEN A PIC OF SHANE. zomg. he was like ruffling his own hair alr.
then sheldon was like "do u think its raining???" (refering to the env of that panel) shane bounded across the lounge and looks out of the window. i thought he was so frustrated about not getting home he had to look outside LOL. "nope its not raining" sheldon stares at his panel "no it looks like its raining."
HAHA.
man. seriously, it deserved a picture being taken man. seriously! shane and his hair, sheldon staring hard at his screen... LOL. LOL.
i nv had so much FUN doing a project. i love their dedication. woots. but i think we drove shane nuts. LOL. he must be thinking omg what the heck am i doing proj with this bunch of nuts HAHA.
sheldon spent a whole day colouring ONE PANEL LOL. 12 hours. WIN.
you noe ah. although i always complain about god not speaking clearly enough to tell me what's best to do, im glad its not a voice in my head (cuz otherwise knowing me, i'll suspect schizophrenia LOL) its cool i guess, that God speaks to your heart.
its an awesome blessing...! in many ways.. jesus i am aweddd.
and to think how everything played out, ...god, you DO know how to communicate with me huh. so naturally, so simply...if i just cant do sth i just dont force myself to do it..
from accidentally dropping the other module, to stun-ing divine arrangements, ...and back to when i first walked into lecture...
i cant believe how you always provide me with people who are such great blessings to me.
if i decide to cross over to c n m, you've provided the best proj mates i cld ask for. and i am still stunned.
. . .
but well, i cant seem to letgo of psych. we'll see what happens :) i hope i'll be able to do a double major. it wld make my life so much easier than if i just took 1 -_- (refer to post below)
which reminds me i better check out on special term2.
u noe, for once, i feel valuable in this academics sht (instead of being a drag...) lol! today an assessor bumped into me and said that me she liked our presentation (one week after!!! i dont know her, and she still rmbs me from the presentation, impact?) and what makes me feel particularly :) about this was that i had much to do with organising the project. in another mod i have people persuading me to join their grps, and even now in my group (which i jumped classes to join. they're the PrO pRo prO ppl...) they recognise that i'm pretty well adapted to what we're doing lol. and we're alr considering mods to do proj tgt in e future.
i duno, its just ...
i feel so much less inadequate compared to doing psych lol. and you know, its so much easier to organise & crap out things than to READ UP on things. -_-"
not that i dont like reading psych papers though... reading those personality papers were great fun! i just need to be a bit more consistent without having someone hound me and making me do chapter reviews every week.
i guess it'd be a good balance to take both. cuz all nm mods will totally screw up my schedule, with its weekly lessons and projects.
psych on e other hand is really, a mugging subject. which i used to love...cuz it was so easy to score on mugging subs. and i love the biweekly lessons. lol. slack yeah.
i just realised nobody but chu has my favourite minor key chord progression. no wonder it sounds so nice ehehehh. i seriously thought it was a happy song though. bleah.
so lets talk! havent been talking for awhile. not properly at least.
that day i talked to charles, havent talked to him for a long time. i realised people dont need answers from you. they need to come to their own conclusions. pretty surprised at how i talked to him actually. it was just so real. (that's one of the things i love abt charles. he's real :) and so are many of my close friends hehe :P ya'll rock.) anyway, I didnt say much, only asked questions to challenge his own beliefs..or wdv tt is lol im surprised at how much he told me though...but then again yeah we do have a very real rship. i'd nv say sth i dun believe to him jus cuz its e politically correct answer.
anyway you know, sometimes when you talk to people, you're the one that gains the most out of it, because you get to see things from a third person's point of view and it becomes so much clearer. (i mean, we all essentially have the same issues.) i think i benefitted more from hearing him out than he did talking haha!
:) the beauty of it.
and to think god would make you a blessing to people even in your most *im a piece of shit* moments.
........... "more blessed to give than to receive"... its true, like when u treat someone, you're the one who feels good hahah!
. . . .
yeah i'm surprised really, cuz charles remembers the indian man story the three of us made up during a round of round robin at his house. he was liek "omg yeah the indian man and the rugby ball and the cat!!"
i was stunned!!! i thought it was only a significant moment for me LOL.
but then again, JOFID remembers it too!
LOL what the heck is it about this that is so significant? I can never fathom :S it was a damn stupid story that made no sense. rugby ball meteor? please LOL.
:)
i remember going home happy. because i found a bunch of friends i could be real around.
that was jc 1st 3 months wasnt it? yeah man. jc life was my 2nd turning point if u'd even call it that. i duno wat to call it. hahah. its a whole new level... of.. ???
and its never gone back since :)
hallelujah. thank God for people.
Jofid, you me and charles should meet up one day. - - - - -
these however, were drawn, scanned and coloured. the one on top is drawn straight on the tablet. SO MUCH MORE CONVENIENT. gosh. goodbye canvas and paint haha!!! maybe.
we went to shop for a tablet, me and my mom. i was expecting a $170 bamboo. after shopping we were chosing between the $400 intuios and the $1*00 ____... and my mom was just insisting that i bought the ____.
o_o... i sat there for at least an hour altogether trying to decide, but i cld tell my mom had already decided LOL. and u know she's not trying to impose on u but u can tell she's so excited over the better one... LOL
...
guess i wont understand how u can work so hard, just to give someone else the best. when you dont even spend so extravagantly on yourself. :) mom, this is how god sees you too. he gives to you according to his riches, not from his riches.
admittedly, a lot of e parts cld be better written..but yea, nv knew this was wat it meant. (considering arranging this for reso but korean lyrics make it kind of unfeasible. thot hey since its so popular surely sm1 wld've tried to make an english version) :P HEHE. girlbandftw *hide*
stumbled across this article while doing term paper research.
(Journal of research in personality) Being Liked is More than Having a Good Personality: The Role of Matching
it makes me wonder abt my theory tt if u like someone its likely that e person will like you too. i shall read it when i have the time... (meanwhile, since its not relevant to my research... lets jus leave it haha)
"[picture] after the earth hour, where the crowd that "took part" in earth hour drive their fuel guzzling cars home, causing a jam and probablly increasing the amount of green house gases than if earth hour never happened. (its all a publicity stunt. Doesnt mean that you switch off your lights you will produce less greenhouse gas. Its not like using water from your tap, where you save water by not using it. Electricity cant be stored like water in a tank, when you switch off lights, the electricity you "save" essentially dissappers. in the end you actually produce green house gases for nothing in return) " LOL
" [picture] Can man and his can dog. The teacher there proudly tells me that it was done by his primary school class. (the whole thing is mostly made up of beer cans) "
i think i shd be thrown into some kind of work tt has crazy deadlines CUZ IM SO LAST MINUTE. & i only start working when its e last minute.
so technically, a job with crazy deadlines will totally stress ppl out, but for me it will be like the timeline started at the very place where i wldve started working in normal circumstances anyway. LOL
cuz i realised tt i'm like totally not serious abt anything until i realise the deadline is 3 days away...that's when i get super efficient
UNLESS its sth i'm passionate about. then i'll be doing it anyway. (like e comic book heheh) but arh the comic book...haish... aiyah. i'll talk abt it some other time. my new grp is so "cramping my style" @#$%^ (literally) drawing style i mean. its not a very crazy group la. wana follow other ppl style, this and that. tsk. u got your own style y need to follow other ppl style. pfft. mayb cuz im so new to e tut they have no faith in me LOL. wish i cld go back to my old tutorial...they're still asking me to go back bleagh..they even said they'd leme do anything i want. y lidattt. (i chg tut cuz of timing probs..which arent tt crucial after all cuz tuts are endinggg.) i mean i think its gonna be good quality work anyway, but how i wish it would be sth i can be really proud of, sth new... sigh.
*thinks lots of thoughts* (including examining notions of love at first sight contact.) (wonder if we know all along, even before knowing the person better. due to various occurences/thoughts in e past week) *and arrives at sth else*
-----------------in contrast.... *spaces out*
i liked the guy because he was real.
real is not emo..
there is a certain.. strength? in being able to talk about your own (im talking generally here..) weaknesses. compared to people who hide them (and we know it anyway.)
i hate walls. i really hate walls. walls protect. but walls also prevent people from getting to you.
sometimes (im weird. fine.) i think its so beautiful when someone totally and completely opens up to you...
u realise hey, they're just like you anyway. it makes them so much more real...(2nd layer of meaning.) (mayb tts what i mean by real.) (*pokes* oo its real!)
& mayb i've finally solved the mystery of my own heart.
yeh. honestly? i was tryina create some magazine like feel. and for lack of a proper subject & since its all mySELF these words went on it. LOL. the idea came from a mirror i did some years ago but thats a story for another day muahahahaha. yes. one day i will show ya'll that mirror. LOL.
(but then again i think narcissism (ahem fixation on self) isnt really to be -celebrated-... its pretty darn destructive actually. man was never meant to look at himself. but ah well...im still narcissistic... its my bad habit lol. wait. but then theres a fine line btwn self love and narcissism too. hehe.) -used: extraction tool (to cut out e picture) and curves layer (to tweak the whole colour thing. i think it makes pictures more contrasted)
:S i can barely catch up with blogging (esp to integrate e thoughts tt somehow are linked to one another) so here's some random chunks tt fell out today.
writing.
*thougth bubble* 'Alot of things have to be discarded. As much as u like the process its not sth to be shown to the world at the end of the day. they only wana see e finished pdt.'
i tend to like logging down the thought process of how i ended up at a conclusion (like, today this happened. which made me think of that. which... and on top of that that day that happened, which added to this and so i conclude thiS. but then... ) but i guess tts not e way to write lol. ok i try to be more concise...
procrastination.
(not wanting to do sth & hence putting it off to later) itself is not the issue. the root is that i keep thinking i can do it later.
principles.
make decisions easier. (cuz i realised designing was nv as easy w.o a set of principles to fall back on. iwonder.)
details.
we feel loved when people pay attention to details. that was how.. nvm. God numbers the hairs on my head God... not enough. i need you to show me you care, are so involved in even the minute things im concerned with. for real. win me over...again. my heart cannot be his because it just keeps breaking. 3 seconds was all he needed to capture my heart?
i duno wat im smiling about. mayb cuz i was talked at by zj again (something about listening to him always puts me in a pleasant mood. i love his perspective. and he reads so much.)
i've always been floating along when it comes to groups of friends-i'm never the one to organise outings, etc. Sure, i'll poke someone and SUGGEST outings.. but they nv materialise from me lol. worse still i'll always like "aiya i go or dun go also nvm" then take forever to reply whether i'm going lol. & i'm never the one to go and bug someone and go "hey how are you?" hmmm.
just now i randomly poked an old sec sch best friend on msn cuz i havent talked to her for so long. i read her blog la but, its such a summarised chunk.
the phrase "(its impt to have) meaningful social interactions" has been floating arnd in my mind for a few days, today i realise (another aspect of) what i mean
i think *insert the *hmm* emoticon* that it also means i shd put in an effort to have more meaningful interactions with the people i've met who i love/like/delight in...
i'm the kind of person who takes a... wherever the wind blows me/wdv the wind blows to me.. kind of attitude. maybe i should start taking a grip on what matters :P
yeah there ARE that number of people who really make my day, above the rest. why not put in more effort? i dont like the phrase "put in effort" cuz it seems to imply a striving and lack of flow... i suppose i mean to stop having that "er ok loh" attitude.. and yeah, there is nothing wrong with letting some1 know they matter to u. i dont know why i've always been so icky about it.
